Frozen Love
by stanalover
Summary: Beckett and Castle lay in the freezer they had backed themselves into, both knowing that they are most likely going to die there. Kate begins to realize her feelings for Rick and admits them to him. Where will this take them?
1. Frozen Memories

Cold chills ran through my every limb as I desperately clung to the hope of a rescue. With every inch of my own body pressed against Richard's in the freezer that would become our final resting places, there was nothing else to do but hope. But even the man of many theories couldn't think of a way to get us out of here. The chilling scene before us, frosted metal and sealed door, became the terrifying image of my own foolishness. I had closed that door. I had backed us into this space. I was to blame for this. And now, I was going to finally be the cause of Richard Castle's death.

As he clung to me in a mirroring need for human warmth, I gave nothing in return. Frost weighed heavily on my lashed and the ends of my hair, forming crystals on my skin where sweat had once been its décor. Even my gun gave me no hope of survival. My usual motivation, the thing that had held me together, made me strong, and formed who I was: doing my job didn't even give me comfort as I began to feel death's boney fingers run along my face, caressing me sweetly before it would sourly pull my life from my body. I had to be sure he was still awake, feeling some movement in my arm as if it flexed, but unsure as to if or why it had. Speaking in a tone that whispered death to both our ears, broken apart by the frozen hands of my own weakness, I questioned, "Castle, you there?"

As his head laid heavily against my hood, the comfort of his few words was enough for me, and all I needed to know that I wasn't alone in this cruel end. "Yes- no I'm ri- I'm right here." Even these words, the words that had brought me the slightest glimpse of relief, were laced with the fraying edges of a worn, damaged cloth as his airy voice lost all strength and stability. That was the story of us. Each inch forward in our relationship was lined with a tragic misfortune that seemed only plausible for a writer and a cop.

Needing the escape his presence had given me, and running out of options other than words as feeling had faded and sight was a terrifying thought, I informed him of my own condition, hoping to hear he wasn't doing quite as poorly as I was, "I can't feel anything." With the words voiced before I could truly think of the implications, I didn't even consider what he would say to this. My answer quickly rang through the space, bouncing off the metal walls and screaming murder in my ears before a moment's notice could be given. He was silenced. I, myself had taken away the one thing that had warmed me as I remained unable to move and barely able to breath in the dry air.

Even words of his condition being worse than my own would be words enough to know that he was still conscious. But now, as a wordless tirade spilled over the space and a graveyard's darkened implication hung in the air, my thoughts wandered quickly to the offal fates that could have befallen him. Unaware of my words being words, my mind believing they were internal thoughts and knowing they were phrases unnecessary to the atmosphere, I spoke, "I always thought, being a cop I'd take a bullet." As I sucked in air, my heart grew cold, and the finale to the statement spilled out, "I never thought I'd freeze to death."

These words gave me the answer I didn't think I'd find, but as they would have pained me if he'd delivered them, his discomfort was not unnoticed. Adjusting his head on my should, making sure to be as close to me as he possibly could, his ever optimistic outlook immediately kicked in, dulling the situation into the present and keeping our minds from directing toward the future. "Kate," he said, the use of my first name soothing me, bringing me down from the cliff I'd mounted as I was ready for the reaper to claim me as his own. "We're not dead yet." A hint of self-deprecating laughter molded these words into a calming statement, holding us both together as he knew the probable future, but certainty never being our strong suite. Even now, as my life began to fade into the hint of not knowing what was to come in the next life, he kept me from seeing only the storm.

This man, firmly set in his ways of uplifting the human soul, was the only man who'd managed to spare me the terrors that engulfed my every day. And now, to repay him for being the knight in shining armor he'd always been for me, I was ripping him from his daughter, his mother and his life, shredding all hopes of a future for him, and bringing him to the worst possible end to any life I could even slightly imagine. His books had mapped out the roadways that lead me to being a cop. That action, my job, was the only thing that blocked the Siren's call of alcohol, which had been my father's antidote for a long period of time. Then, the writer shows up at the precinct, reforming his old ways of womanizing, and charming his way into my heat while somehow helping me repair my own vices that I'd so longed to be rid of. My own guardian angel had allowed me to lead him into a hellish end, not being of fire, but being a damning emptiness and torment.

Fondly remembering every word of his novels that had lifted me from my hopelessness when my mother had been murdered, I attempted humor, but instead hurt the writer. "I just wish this was one of your books and you could rewrite the ending." Against my arm, I watched as his hand slightly tensed at my shoulder, clutching it with remorse and grievance. Even as he breathed with a tightened, stabbing breath pattern, there wasn't a doubt in my mind that he was bothered by my comment. In the cold of this container, the man clutched onto me with every fiber of his being, holding me to the earth with a heavy guiding hand.

He then began a solemn plea with me, speaking as though he'd done something horrible, "I'm s- I'm sorry." Each breath that broke through his heavily weighed words was one of pain as he begged my forgiveness. He seemed to be in agony over this subject, whatever it was fueling a massive regret that seemed to be clawing for a way out. Over the past few years, this man had been guilty of many things, and most he'd apologized for. Even the extreme crimes he'd committed in his career at the NYPD had been enough for her to memorize this type of tone in his voice. But never in her time with him had she heard a shame so foul in his voice.

Knowing him, knowing his past and knowing nothing of what could be paining him this much, I knew when I should and shouldn't ask questions I didn't want to. Currently, as we both prepared for our parallel demises, I had to ask him, "For what?" My head remaining in the opposite direction of his face, I didn't turn to see his emotion. He had no secrets with me. I could read him as easily as he did me. To one another, we were an open book. And now, as he spoke, his emotions flowed out of him in a sweeping whirlpool that engulfed me in shock and pain.

"For being me. For going rogue. Getting us into this," he stated, handing facts to me as though they should have been obvious clues for a cop to pick up on. With every inch of his body being in a frozen wasteland I'd relocated us to, he still blamed himself. I had single handedly shut the door to the freezer, branding our tombstones with a newly set death-date, and this man held all the responsibility on his own. Not an ounce of him blaming me, he truly held himself accountable.

Meanwhile, there wasn't a single part of this that was his doing. What was his crime? This man had helped me with my job, led me to a lead I should have been onto, and followed my explicate directions when I chose our safe house, which had now loaned itself as our mortuary for a while. There wasn't a single decision that he made that I either shouldn't have or hadn't instructed him to make. And now, because of me and me alone, Alexis was going to be fatherless and Martha was going to lose her son. Plus, on top of that personal interest, there was a nuclear explosive scouring the streets of New York City set to go off within twelve hours.

And yet, this man, the man who'd made me his muse and who'd been nothing but kind to me for the past year was taking it upon himself to be found guilty of my murder and the failure to capture the dirty bomb. No one should have to carry that around. He was innocent of every crime imaginable. Now, as he cradled my dying body in his own nearly lifeless arms, he had taken the fall for my crimes. I had to end this. "No, shh. Ok, Castle, shh. You were right. We found the bomb," my breath beginning to escape me, I sucked in another gasp of air before saying, "We were just too late. Okay?"

Finally, the man of words and witty come backs was speechless, taking my words to heart. Hopefully, he was letting go of his regret. I prayed he was lifting a massive weight off his shoulders and allowing himself to fully come to terms with exactly what I told him. There was nothing for me to do but believe he was.

Suddenly, as I lay still in his arms, a deeper child ran through my veins. Around me, my vision became blurred more than it had been as my body became even more than just frozen. Heat was no longer a thought I could have. My body became heavier as I became instantly weaker. A force washed over me, taking the breath from my very lungs a moment before I heaved in a dense gust of stinging air.

This was it. Nothing more could prevent me from falling into an eternal rest. And in the moment, thousands of thoughts flooded through my mind. Each one a story untold that I wished I'd shared, a song unsung and unheard, or a simple memory I wish I could relive a million times over. Regrets immediately began to clutter my mind with useless information that had remained unshared. So many of these images piled high in the forefront of my mind. And with each one screaming a unique screech, not one was clear enough to understand.

Then, one set of memories began to play rapidly in my mind. As though on a slideshow, I began to see image after image of Rick flying through the air. Memories of spite and annoyance paved the way to flirtation and a few laughs. As the slides continued through, smiles, laughter and connections filled the air as the smell of coffee danced endlessly through the air. As the images slowly came to an end, one conclusion began to form in my mind. I could no longer deny the truth. I was in love with Richard Castle.

I had one regret I could erase from my unsettled subconscious. There was one final thing I had to do before allowing myself to slip into the hands of death. Turning myself in his arms, adjusting my body to perfectly run along to contours of his chest, I searched his eyes which redirected in my direction. The shadows of a ghostly finish had laid claim along his ruggedly handsome face, his lips taking on a shade of blue I'd not seen outside Yankee Stadium. Energy had begun to deflate from my body, but with all the will power I had left, I reached my hand up to his frozen cheek, needing to be certain his presence was truly there. So many words, so many things I could say, I collected my thoughts into a brief summary.

With a single breath, I took in the sight of him, and confessed what I couldn't before, "Castle, I just want you to know how much I love you." In this instant, fate had not turned its back on me. For once in my life, I managed to get out every word I wanted to. And just as I had, just as that weight was lifted from my chest, I fell further into the writer's arms, taking shelter in his grasp. His brawny arms tightly held me to him as a final life giving energy ran through the atmosphere.

His words rang loudly, though being truly a quiet joy, "Thank God." Beaming in joy, I could sense his delight. Nothing but the saddest fear had filled the walls before now. But as the two of us lay together, holding onto life, warming one another with our barely warmed bodies, a glee flew through this space on the wings of a dancing song bird. And in the moment, Richard Castle, my saving grace, my beating heart, my world, my light, my everything, gave into the same temptation we'd given into just a few months ago, pulled me from my sleeping rest and raised my chin, and kissed me with a passion I'd never felt with anyone but him.

His actions raised me from the grave I'd dug myself. A warmth reined king through the ice that had coated the in most fibers of my being. Through his touch, I felt an immediate pull to reality. My heart began to race as it had only once before. With his lips pressed against mine, even with an extreme lack of hopeful thoughts, I felt a sudden burst of fire course through every fiber of my being. Never before had I felt so alive. Nothing drew my focus from him. Everything around me may as well have disappeared as the only thing I could envision was Rick.

Finally falling from each other, having every intention to continue what we'd started, my eyes opened to see his smiling face. No matter how frozen, no matter how deadly pale, he was the most perfect sight I'd ever seen. But even he couldn't keep me alive forever. And just as I had reanimated at his touch, the moment we separated, the cold began to encase me. Cocooned mow by the inescapable finish to my life, I began to slip away. Every inch of my body began to fall limp. As my consciousness left me, as I fell into the deepest form of rest I'd ever managed to come to, my final image was a glowing light behind my deepest love. The final words I'd ever hear, the sweetest form of speech I'd ever be graced enough to recall was the words that had hidden for so long before finding the courage to uncover themselves.

The last words I could hear were his, "Kate, I love you." And that was all I needed as I faded into the black.


	2. After Death

A chaotic rush of fear and an awakening ignorance of the situation washed over every inch of my body. Nothing could have stopped me from shooting out of my weakened laying state and into the highest sitting position I could manage. Fatigue and stiff muscles were not the cause of my very pitiful arch upward, but the tight blankets around me were. Memories did not form in my mind, so the first thing I had to ask was, "What happened?" I was in the back of an ambulance, burrito-ed in thick wool sheets, freezing cold and completely clueless in these short couple of minutes.

"You were in a freezer. You and Mr. Castle developed mild hypothermia. He's fine, he's just in the ambulance next door with another doctor warming up. He hasn't woken up quite yet." These words sent me right back to the present as the night's events beamed into my memory. I'd kissed him. And I didn't just kiss him, I told him I loved him. Heat flooded my cheeks and a smile spread across my lips that I could not ignore, no matter how hard I tried. The young EMT then joked, "Yeah, I thought you'd remember that kiss eventually. It was quite the sight to behold while we rushed in to save your lives."

My face fell flat and went back to the pale, ghostly state it had been in. "You- you saw us. Who all saw? I mean, who- who came in?"

Just as I asked, I got my answer from Ryan and Esposito at the door. Of course Javi was the first to comment, "How you doing Beckett? You and Castle sure seemed to keep each other warm."

Ryan then added, "I know you just got out of a freezer, but your bright pink lips say differently."

"Really boys?" I asked with annoyance, "I wouldn't be complaining. We found your bomb before you and we had half the resources." In my own voice which now lost all panic, I could hear a twinge each time I said the word _we_. It wasn't a new word. It wasn't even new to Castle and me. It just had a whole new implication.

The boys caught on and smiled at the words as they came out of my mouth. I couldn't tell why exactly, but the fact that they were so pleased by my confusion pissed me off a little. My face drooped into an irritated mask, covering the deep joy, curiosity and worry surrounding my one and only writer, and the boys raised their eyebrows. "Gees Beckett. I know we interrupted your play time with Writer Boy, but we were saving your life. No need to be so snippy about it."

I clenched my teeth together, stood as the EMT moved out of my way. I warned in simple terms, "Shut up. Just shut up." Hopping off the back of the large vehicle that I was, unfortunately, not unfamiliar with, I sunk both feet to the ground in front of my detectives. "Where is he?"

Lights flashing in the darkness from cop cars, two ambulances, and a fire truck showed me the way to my newest and hopefully life-long discovery. A single morgue mobile was being loaded with the body of a frozen Arab man who'd been framed for murder in my murder investigation while a bomb had gone missing, and we had absolutely no idea where to go next with the process of finding it, and yet Castle was, not for the first time, the only thing on my mind. Just as I approached the flashing lights of his rescue vehicle, I caught a glimpse of him laying silently, wrapped tightly in a similar wool blanket that I was wearing, and then his doctor. The man taking Castle's vitals then looked up at me, not intending to find my face at all, but finding it with his always charming, loving smile.

He called my name and started to stand. My heart raced. He was supposed to be in Haiti for an uncertain amount of time. What the hell was he doing here? Taking Castle's pulse of all things? My heart beat as a humming bird's would. I didn't want to see him. I wanted to see Rick. But- why? Why did I want to see the writer and not the doctor? Josh and I had been going out for almost a year. I thought this was the relationship that was going to work out. I mean, I love Castle with every ounce of my heart, and more than anything I want to be with him every second of every day if that was possible.

So what was I doing with Josh? What had I been doing for the past year? I love Castle, I know I love Castle. He is everything to me and he has been everything to me for a really long time. His books had been the very first source of my crush on this guy years ago, but it never disappeared. Even when Rick was an ass, I don't think I ever didn't want him around. And isn't that the start of most love stories? An intense irritation until you get to know them and you find out more and more before you completely fall head over heels for the guy?

"Kate, don't worry about it," Josh said. Had I said something aloud? I said something. What did I say? Had I broken up with him and not known about it? What's happening? He laughed a little after a moment's pause between his words. "Kate, you didn't just say anything," he knew exactly what I was thinking. "We came in as a rescue squad and the first thing we saw was the pair of you kissing."

My face surely went pale. Every inch of my already frozen body chilled further. "Josh, I- I'm so sorry. I don't even know what happened in there."

"I do," he said extremely kindly. This was almost eerie. "You love him, Kate. I've known that since the moment you introduced us. I guess I just hoped you'd eventually feel the same way for me that you do for him."

There were no other words I could muster up besides, "Josh…" and then the train of thought was gone.

His head dropped down to staring at our entangled fingers a moment and whispered softly, "I love you, Kate," and bringing his head back up to me, looking me in the eyes with a glassy glaze, he continued with his hushed words, "But you're in love with Rick. And if you love him, I have to let you go."

"Josh, I- I-," didn't have anything I could say back to him. He was right, I was in love with the writer and I couldn't be in a relationship with another man so long as I knew I was in love with him. Still, shuttering nerves of pain from lost love began to cloak my body, and I couldn't help but find myself tearing up.

He just dropped my hand and vined his arms around my body and held me close to him one last time. I knew right then the I'd made the right choice, because as I wrapped my arms around him, I wished more than anything this was Castle so that I knew he was alright. A moment longer we held onto the ends of this tale while he slid the hair from my face and kiss my forehead in despair. His body was clearly tense and in anguish, muscles flexed tightly and resistance from temptation was wrecking him. When he lifted his head, he couldn't even look at me as he dropped his arms and softly choked out, "Goodbye Kate."

Passing me on my left, I spun in his direction and watched as he walked away from me. It took what seemed like hours for him to disappear into the mass of bodies, and a longer amount of time to wrap my head around what just happened, and by the time I had, Lanie had showed up behind me. She jumped straight to the point, "Your and Motorcycle Boy break up?"

I didn't have enough energy to say anything but, "Yep."

She then asked, "Are you alright?" knowing what my answer would be before she even asked.

"Yep."

Then she pried, "You and Castle a thing now? We saw you two mackin' on each other in there."

I then laughed in self-deprecation. It wasn't funny. I knew it wasn't funny, but I had to laugh. I mean, what are the odds you'll get trapped in a freezer with the man you love and don't know you love and then, just as the boney hand of death moves across your body, freezing you with every dark shadow that traces across your bare skin that loses every ounce of its lively heat, ready to suffocate you and pull you into the realm of the dead, you are met by the warmth of a life-giving arrow shot straight from cupid's arrow of salvation and lifted from the grim brought hell you'd sunk to. A kiss, shared between the two of you, where all your built up longing love and burning desire is released together all at once, nothing but passion and lust driving every move of your body. But this fate is ill met, and you are unable to move any further as weakness creeps its way through you and a final conscious breath leaves your lips, passing through the threshold of your released love, and stings as it clashes with the breath of life your partner still feels. Then, just as you shake what had rendered you motionless, your eyes split open to the view of another man who you'd love who saw everything you'd done and now sets you free for your heart to fly to the one it truly wants. Barely supported, I told Lanie simply with entwined exhaustion, confusion and pain, "I don't know," the smile left on my face from the implicating laugh was answer enough for us both.

She and I had nothing more to say. There was nothing more to say. I could speak, I could confess everything to her, but she already knows everything I've ever done. She knows my struggles, my doubts, my passions and my failings. Everything I could possibly reveal to her she already knew. Now only silence could remain on my half. And since the odds of my accepting anything she said were more than slim to none, her words stayed just as silent.

Another minute passed before I turned around and looked to her for advice. "Go home, Kate. Take a night or two to think things over. Because you and I both know that if you go over there, if you go to Castle right now, you are going to end up at your apartment with him and tomorrow morning you are going to regret it. Think about this before you do anything, alright? Just go home and think about it."

"Lanie," I pleaded, "I want him. I want to be with him. He loves me. He loves me and I- I think I love him too." Her solemn stare told me that I needed to more than just _think _I loved him if I was going to pursue this at all. "Every time I see him in the morning, I smile without even thinking about it. When he's hurt or worried, I feel helpless and want only to make it better for him. Every day he makes me laugh, and more and more now when he does I want only to- to see that child-like excitement in his eyes every minute. The gleam of hope and joy that radiates off of him is what gives me energy and makes me smile. When I'm alone at my apartment at night, I actually wish I was at the office with him, whether that means paperwork or not. And-" I choked on this final confession, "And when he was with Ryan in that hotel room and we didn't know if they were dead or alive- I don't think I've ever been so scared in my life."

Lanie grew speechless at the sound of my true feelings for Rick. She'd known for a while now that I liked him. She may have even known I loved him. But she didn't know how deeply, how truly and how extremely much I loved him. The only word she could manage was, "Wow," for a few eight counts of our slow moving melody. "Kate, how- why the '_I think' _thing?"

But I never gained the time to answer her. She remained silent as well. Instead, I was rendered speechless by the force that had done so more times than this. Castle came from behind, wrapping his arms around my waist, speaking to Lanie for me, which in this case I appreciated, "Because love is never sure. Love is a mystical, omnipresent thing that keeps us all in the dark until it is time to reveal itself. Just because she 'thinks' she loves me, but is uncertain, doesn't mean she doesn't. It just means she hasn't come to see it yet. After all, it took her two years to even attempt to see if she was in love."

It was here that I came to terms with everything. It wasn't a rushed, desperate picture for me. I wasn't dying. He wasn't dying. We had all the time in the world to fall in love if we hadn't already. But I also couldn't wait any longer to actually kiss him. Spinning in his arms that wrapped around my waist, I found my home in his arms, mine wrapped around his neck, raised up against him as our lips met. I was close to him, our bodies actually pressed up against one another in a wrecking fit of lust as our mouths spoke with one another in the silence. Around us, the world went to black and we were alone, in an empty chasm of nothingness where we felt only each other. Playing with the ends of his hair as his hand slowly traveled along the back of the blanket I was wrapped in. Honestly, I'm not sure how far it might have gone had we not been stopped by flashing lights, cameras, and a multitude of voices attempting to talk to us.

Reporters crowded us, questions spinning through the air as colorful tops that spun brightly and crashed against one another, banging into everything they came across and simply bouncing off the objects as though they were balloons. The focus of these questions was scattered, some wanting case information, others seeking the details of the freezer, many also asked about Rick and I and our relationship. Never before had I been questioned by press about anything that didn't pertain to the case. But clearly Rick had, as he was much more comfortable with them there and somehow managed to politely tell them to go fuck themselves while fighting his way through the mass and pulling me along with him. By the time I came to grips with whatever the hell was going on, I realized I was in the car and he was driving away, Lanie, Sito, Ryan, Montgomery and FBI left to clean up the mess. Out of sight of the crime scene, Castle took a left and began toward the main roads. "Where to? The precinct or do you want me to drop you off at your place?"

I thought about saying the precinct. For a moment, I thought about saying the precinct, and I knew they'd need me there. But to be honest, I was too damn cold and too damn tired to be doing anything but going home and maybe cuddling up on the couch with a book. Or a writer. "My place. But you have to promise to come in and help me warm up, because I'm sure you're freezing as well."

He didn't even think before he said, "Deal." His smile was more than contagious. It blossomed into something that gave me no choice but to laugh at him. It was amazing, really. No matter what happened, no matter what went wrong in my world, just looking at him made me smile. That was how I knew. There was no way I didn't love him, because his joy was my joy. His pain was my pain. And anything that happened to him affected me too. He was my everything. I loved him.


	3. Embodiment of Love

My heart beat inside my ears as he led me through the halls of my apartment building. It was the day after the case before we'd actually gotten to my apartment. Before we had been able to get there that first night, my conscience caught up with me and we had to go back to the precinct and help with the case. After a great many hours working it, we'd been led to a van and together we followed it. Rick and I had been alone in the car debating which route our van would take before we caught up with Nazija and forced her to stop the van. After I informed her that her daughter was safe with us, I joined Castle at the back of the van.

There we saw it. A bomb was placed inside with a timer set for merely two minutes as it counted down. Fallon was no help to us as we started down the radioactive explosive. That same radiation detector that had gone off before once again hollered at us as we stood helplessly by. Neither of us could defuse the bomb. Anyone who'd been trained to do this was further out than we had time to wait for. It was hopeless. We could do nothing to stop the death of these hundreds of thousands of people including our loved ones. The timer began to count down and as it reached five seconds, we could do nothing but look at each other.

Once again, my body was unable to cope and the only word I was allowed by my own weakness was, "Castle." We were going to die. Four seconds and he held out his hand. Three seconds and I clung to his hand with all of my heart. Gathered in his loving gaze, another second was wasted. At the very last second, with desperation immanent, I watched closely as Richard shot out his arm and ripped away every cord from the timer. Sparks flew from the disconnect and I was certain, in that moment, that he'd caused the bomb to go off.

But it didn't go off.

Seconds passed before I reopened my eyes and stared into the image before me. Nothing had changed but the time on the clock having run out and the chords lying on the floor of the van. We were alive. All of us, everyone was alive. Shock over came me as joy rushed through my every limb. We were alive! Not even Castle knew what he was doing was going to work, but it did. He was in awe at the sight, wordless due to his emotions. I wanted to stand on top of the nearest skyscraper and shout to the world that we were still here! We were alive!

My heart raced. My body flew into over drive, completely energized by the adrenaline. My palms were sweaty. My mind was empty, yet overwhelmingly full. Words were impossible to find, but words weren't needed. As quickly as it had happened, nothing happened as fast as Rick launching to me and pulling me too him, expressing every joy he ever felt with me. Feeling him made me melt. Against him, I was completely helpless, safe, barely able to move. He made me go limp in every way aside from my instinctual play with his embrace.

HIs hands held my face to his and then moved down around my body, pulling me closer, tighter, so that every part of my body could cling to his. Together our lips were bonded. Even when they separated we were too close to notice. While we breathed in one another, he slowly rejuvenated me and I somehow gained the ability to stand up on my own. Once I was renewed, we ended the embrace as the awareness of the city around us came up. But that didn't stop us from smiling. That didn't stop us from knowing. Nothing could have stopped us from using our unspoken language to tell each other we loved one another with ever moment we were in each other's gaze.

Now, after telling that story a hundred times, after having a bare with the boys and our Captain, after Rick called his mother and daughter and told them that they were safe and could come home now, we were inside my apartment, and he'd wasted no time regaining the intensity of the climax of our story from the street.

I was back in his arms, lifted higher into the air with my legs entwined around his waist. He held me, moving around my apartment as though it were his home. His lips had once again caged mine, teasing open and closed and giving me freedom though I didn't really have it. The bedroom had been too far to travel too, and instead he'd taken me to the kitchen where he sat me on the table and drew in every bit of me that he could. As soon as his hands were free, he moved around my back, the tips of his fingers skating along my skin, sending waking ripples that grew outward and sent an electrical current through every part of me.

A moan escaped my lips as he traced along my spine and forced my body upward. Under my shirt, his hands had met the barricade they were destined to eventually meet. When they did, they seemed to only brush the clothe and it unhooked, having about as much resistance to him as I did. While my left hand took kindly to the ends of his hair, my right found a more tempting venture. Slithering down his chest, it made a slanted path from his shoulder to the end of his shirt. After staying there for only a moment, it traced the line created by the opening of his polo. At the very second it reached the top, my finger stretched outward, passing the cloth and laying its tip on the V of his rib cage. Immediately, it shot down the line and every button was open.

Looking down for a moment, leaving my lips, he commented, "Wow."

"I know," I said, using that same hand to bring his chin back to me. Quickly, his hands left my back and fumbled with every button on my shirt while my lips kept at his. My hands soon blindly played at his belt and shortly after, the buttons on his pants. Instantly we took over for one another, leaving each other for only a moment as he let off his clothes and I undressed as well. At the same time, we both finished and came together. His chest very quickly claimed a home against mine. Against me, depending on me, he slowly worked his way over me and I laid back on the wood beneath me. He found his way atop the thankfully sturdy furnishment and took to my stomach with his lips. A single line was drawn from my bellybutton all the way up to my neck where he left his signature over every inch. His hand reached my spine again and I rose up against him. He let his lips trail to the same V of my neck, my head thrown back in pleasure and I could feel his muse taking full form below.

He kept at my neck, pacing one spot endlessly while my thinned out breath tried to catch up. His hand came down on the table, propping himself up as I took my turn at his lips. He then began to climb atop the table, but I stopped him, laying one hand along his chest and one behind me to prop myself up. Pushing him off of me, taking to sitting at the edge of the furniture item, I came up beside him and whispered lightly in his ear, "Your equipment might need a bit of a safety upgrade if you expect to enter my zone." He then leaned back and looked at me with a lusty grin. I smiled back, standing up and grabbing at an unclaimed portion of his body. His eyes widened in pleasure as I softly called, "And I don't want you to miss out on the fun."

His raised brow stayed in place as I began to walk past him. He stared at me with an intense desire as I trekked to my bedroom. When I caught his eyes after turning back around, I called after him, "Come on, Castle. I don't like waiting."

He smirked slyly and rushed after me, taking me into his arms, lifting my feet off the ground and claiming his place atop my navy covers. Safely dropping me to the bed, I couldn't help but let a delighted grin sweep across my face. He leaned over, pulled on his armor and took to straddling me. As quickly as I was beneath him, I'd found my way to his chest and laid my hands across his back. He began to fall into me, his hardened friend playing at it's desired destination. Finally he let himself enter the uncharted territory and lightning shot through me, spreading through my limbs as my hands clawed at his back and my hips raised into his. He played and played, moving in and out in ways I'd never felt before until he finally approached the pinnacle of our pleasure. It wasn't until we'd finally climaxed and burst through the doors of hell's most desirable heaven that we realized what had happened. It wasn't until he spilled into me that our racing hearts stopped and the bliss of our newly acclaimed love shriveled and died.

He looked down and so did I and as he pulled out, we both discovered the answer we begged to not be true. The sight of the broken condom threw me into a world of fear, all beating red color draining from my face and leaving me a ghost. Rick gulped back and asked me, without looking me in the eyes, "You're on the pill, right?"

I scoffed, "I am, Castle, but I haven't taken one in weeks. Josh has been gone and I haven't been home since you and I became... well... you and I. I'm pretty sure I'm unprotected on that side of the stick." Looking down in disbelief, still not meeting his eyes, I was in absolute panic mode. My head flew backward and hit the pillow behind me. "How did that happen?" I asked, as if he'd have an answer. His face finally viewed mine, but I continued to study the ceiling.

He then crawled up along side me, staring at me with a curious eye and said, "This can't be the first time a condom has broken on you, Kate."

"No," my trailing voice answered before my mind could think to shut up, "but this is the first time one has broken while I wasn't on the pill."

"So you take the morning after pill tomorrow morning. I'll run out and buy it before the sun is up and we can avoid any unforeseen complications," Rick replied with a shrug.

My mind then crippled and froze before an over powering thought appeared out of no where. "Castle, I don't want to take the abortion pill." Even as I said this, I wasn't thinking about anything but the lessons I'd been taught since I was a child and the moral values I wanted to continue to uphold. Much like most Christians, I wasn't against pre-marital sex, but I was absolutely pro-life, which in my opinion included anything having to do with killing a fetus which is what I believed this pill did.

He sighed, "It's not an abortion pill, it only prevents pregnancy and why wouldn't you take it?"

"Because I don't want to kill a child," I spat, sitting up and taking to a more powerful voice.

"Kate, you and I are not ready to raise a child if it turns out you're pregnant," Rick bickered politely.

I fought back, "You're already a father, Castle, and no one is making you raise a child with me if you're not ready. I just absolutely refuse to take that pill!"

"Alright," he said, with out stretched arms in defense. "Let's not argue about this. You don't have to take the pill if you don't want to. Besides, people have unprotected sex without getting pregnant all the time. I'm sure there's nothing to worry about and therefore nothing to fight about, alright? And even if you were pregnant, I would never leave you to raise a child on your own. I love you and I would do whatever you wanted to do if that need should arise, whether that meant marriage or moving in together or just going about this like it was a regular relationship. It would all be whatever you wanted and whatever you thought was best."

I found comfort in his words, but the thought of any of it being real or necessary frightened the hell out of me. I couldn't manage words at this point and simply nodded, falling back to bed and allowing him to take me back into his arms. I cuddled up to him, the thought of an infant swirling in my mind, making me dizzy and nauseous as it played with the images of my future. I cuddled into his chest, feeling it rise and fall, letting the sound of his breath sooth me, his hands trapping me and holding me still and steady. Eventually the panic died and I was able to fall asleep to the scent of his cologne and the feeling of his arms protecting me, but my dreams only created a bigger problem.


	4. Peeping Toms

When I woke, I found myself stirring against Rick's body, inhaling the scent of his cologne and basking in the pleasure of knowing I was safely wrapped in his arms. I'd involuntarily stirred, but my body still rested against his and my eyes were still closed. I didn't want to wake up. I simply wanted to lay here outside of reality for as long as I could. A smile crept along my lips as I silently took in the comfort I'd not felt in a while. I was at peace in his hold until the thought of the nights events pulled me out of the haze I was in.

When my eyes popped open and my smile vanished, I was instantly peering into the content man whose mouth formed a laughing smile as he stared me down. He grinned at me, although I still felt petrified, and said, "Good morning, beautiful." I didn't reply. I couldn't reply. All I could think about was the memory of the broken condom and the feeling of him flooding into me hours earlier. His hand then rose to hold on to the lower part of my jaw, his index finger grazing my lip while his thumb rested beneath my chin. He could read my every thought, it seemed, as he looked into my soul and said, "It will be alright, Kate. No matter what."

I suddenly remembered everything I'd dreamt about. The sight of him coddling a new born had been the only thing that calmed my uneasy mind that night and had kept my uneasiness to a minimum. At very least I knew he'd be an excellent father, but I also knew I was no where near ready to be a mother. Still, I didn't want to upset him by saying anything terrible so I switched the topic. "Are you as hungry as I am?"

At first, I didn't think he bought my subject switch as a sign that I was alright, but when his eyes let go of suspicion, I knew I'd gotten away with it. He took in a breath and silently strolled out of my room, his bare body dimly lit by the mix of the darkness in the room and the sunlight from the living room. I watched him leave until he was completely out of my view and then followed him into the kitchen. He'd gotten to my refrigerator, which had been a temple of take out for years. Softly cooing to him, I sat at the bar and cooed softly, "I don't think you're going to find anything in there, hun."

His grin then bloomed into a full smile while he asked, "Did you just call me 'hun'?"

I looked at him with a sly smirk, wanting to lighten up the topic that was haunting my conscious mind. "I can't exactly call you baby after what happened last night." He quirked a look of approval in my direction before heading back into the fridge. I watched with a gaping mouth purely to watch his toned, firm gloots tighten as he bent.

He spoke with his head still chilling in the cool air, "There's nothing in here that's not a left over, is there?" His face then bent beneath his chest to see me staring at him. Still bent, his head seemingly between his right leg and right arm, he asked, "Enjoying the show?"

"How did you end up with scratches all down your back? My fingernails are all so stubby right now," I told him, looking at the single scratch that went from the center of his upper spine all the way to his hip. In the beaming light of the early dawn, his wound looked as though someone had taken a blade and sliced away at his flesh trying to severe his spine and leave him crippled.

Rick then replied, "I don't know, but I do know that your lipstick somehow went from your lips to mine and there's a stain on your- your umm..." He couldn't spit it out and simply waved his finger around in the air. I looked down and found the stain on my right breast. Licking two of my fingers, I used one hand to become a replacement bra for the moment and wiped off the stain with the other hand. He stared while I did that with a dropped jaw and a bit of my lipstick still left on his lip.

"Castle, I think I left some stain on your lip." Rick quickly regained his stature and attempted to wipe away the mark with the flat of his starched palm. When he couldn't, I stood and skated over to him with slow grace. My left hand came against his left cheek and I used my thumb to clear the surface of his mouth. Looking into his oceanic eyes, lost in the blue cavernous pools, I softly whispered to him, "I got it."

He came closer to me, within an inch from my face. His hands slid form my tail bone down to my cheeks and pulled my body closer to him from the bottom up. Barely a breath away, he told me, "You don't have any food here."

Moving closer by a fraction of an inch, our bare skin touching each other everywhere but our lips, I replied, "I guess eating here is out of the picture then." He nodded with a small motion, but then all in one motion, slid his hand up my back, across my spine causing me to arch into him and placed his hand on the back of my head as his lips magnetically pulled mine to them. My leg involuntarily moved up his thigh as I opened up to him, forgetting the instance that had occurred during the first outing of our love. While his hand slid along the smooth, shaved skin of my thigh and finished at my bent knee, holding me there and teasing me with everything he had to offer, his lips left mine and traveled to my neck where his touch sent shockwaves through me. When my eyes opened, his head beneath mine, I was able to see the world in a whole new color. Just as I was about to suggest going back to my room, I looked out my back window the see an elder woman gawking at us.

My hands reacted before my mind did as I latched onto him and threw down my leg. His face quickly resurfaced in front of me as he asked what was wrong. Still staring at the woman, I whispered, "Castle, some woman is watching us."

"What?" he questioned, not believing me. His head then spun around to behind himself to see the grandmother on her balcony with glasses that reflected the sun, beaming in my apartment and blinding us for a moment. He was laughing, but I was simply petrified. He then smiled at me, my eyes still fixated on the woman. With a bright grin, he said, "Kate, just go get dressed. You don't have any food anyway. We can eat at the loft."

This instantly captured my attention and caused me to look directly at him. "Castle, Alexis and Martha are at your house. Do you really want to go there and deal with that? I mean, I'm sure Alexis will be like, 'Oh cool," and then, 'Ewe gross,' but Martha will ask a million and one questions and give us that smile that she always gives, and we'll be forced to endure it and sit through breakfast trying so hard not to be too terribly uncomfortable. And of course Martha will know what happened last night since you didn't come home and, God love your mother, she has fewer boundaries than I would care to deal with. And we've only been together for a few days and I'm not ready to answer a million and one questions about all of this. And-."

"Kate!" He said, to stop me from rambling on another moment longer. "Relax, alright? I told my mother and Alexis to get out of town during the case and they enjoyed themselves enough that they said they were going to be there until tomorrow evening." His honest, playful visage soothed me.

"Really?" I asked in relief and in hope. If they were gone, I A) didn't have to answer a ton of hard questions that I didn't know the answer to yet and B) could stay at his place for longer than just breakfast. I really didn't want to move around a bunch and I just wanted a relaxing weekend with him. He nodded and merriment caused me to act like a teenaged girl and announce, "Yay!"

The smile that simple statement brought to his face was perfection, though. He simply looked at me with his baby blues and the softest, most purely loving smile and took me in with every ounce of his mind. I know this is what he was doing, because I was doing the same with him. Finally, he broke the silence and asked, "Is that woman still staring at us?"

I looked past him, breaking eye contact for only a moment and replied with a grumpy, sullen look, "Yes."

"Good," he said. My face contorted in surprise and disapproval at this and then he continued on, "I'm sure she'll enjoy this." Just when he finished that, he bent down, wrapped his arms around my thighs, just under my cheeks, and lifted me over his shoulder the way a fireman would. And while he walked out of the room with me, he spun in a one eighty to wave at the woman and then continued to spin and head toward my room as I smashed my fists against his back and threw my feet around, fighting against his hold, but not fighting with my full force. I could have gotten out of his grasp, but I didn't really want to.

He then put me down and I was instantly in a fit of laughter. The writer had more on his mind, however. "Shower?" he suggested with a hopeful, child-like grin.

I asked his simply, "Did we learn nothing from last night?"

"Only that you need better condoms. Besides, there's fun to be had that doesn't run the risk of baby making." His comment and amusement was not as funny to me as it was to him.

I replied, "Castle, I really don't want to do... that right now. That woman was kind of a massive turn off."

"Well, we could just shower and actually shower only. You know, share a close space, some soap and warm water; we could save the planet!" he innocently answered.

My lips tightened into a pleasurably irritated grin, intrigued by the proposition. I then stepped closer to him and let my arms fall from their place across my chest and rested my hand on his chest. "You know what, Castle? I don't think you could handle the sight of me coming out of the shower, beads of water glistening on my skin, completely uncovered and yet entirely unreachable, the light scent of cherries roaming through the air as I forget my towel and let the ends of my hair drip softly along the most sensitive parts of my chest..." He was absolutely infatuated with the mere thought of this and tried to shrug off a sensation that started forcing him to rise to the occasion. I then smiled at him with self-satisfaction and told him outright, "See? There is no way we're showering together."

He defeatedly looked at me with a wounded puppy dog depression. His eyes wandered to the floor a moment, but only for a moment before he looked up at me with an inspired hope. "We could take a bath and you could let me hold you for a while."

"Not happening, Castle," I told him flat out. He pouted a bit and I shook my head at him. Rolling my eyes, I shooed him off into the bathroom and he went willingly. I then turned on one of the morning gossip shows and absently watched as I scrolled through several spam emails to be sure I had no work-related ones. Nothing came in about a body, nothing came in from the precinct, however, I did have missed call from Lanie which I returned. She and I agreed to go out this evening and, as per her insistence, I agreed to bring my writer with me. When he got out, he was wrapped in a towel and came into the kitchen to collect the clothes he'd shed. I then took my turn and got ready to spend the day at his loft. Once I was completely ready, I joined him in my living room and took a seat on his couch.

He lifted his arms and I took the opportunity to rest my head in his lap, staring at the screen and watching the weather forecast. He let his arm lightly rest on my side, my arm over his, my right hand holding his as he scrolled through a document on this phone. I stopped watching TV the moment I knew how the evening weather looked and simply let my mind wander about the idea of a toddler playing merrily on the floor in front of me, giggling as she discovered the hole that fit the star-shaped block in the brightly colored cube. I could picture a little one smiling innocently with rose colored cheeks and her father's bright eyes, her dark hair curling with a bow in her hair that matched the beautiful light-pink dress she loved so dearly. A smile blossomed on my chapped lips as I saw her smile at the pair of us in amusement. My hand absently switched over to the flat of my stomach as I envisioned her joyously staring into her parent's eyes.

The vision then began to warm my heart as I let my thumb lay circles along the cloth over my belly. I didn't know that I was pregnant, and I would be alright if I were, but seeing her made me know I would be, not just fine, but happy if I was.


	5. Testing Fate

**I don't think these are supposed to be typed right into the story line, but I couldn't find another way to add am "Author's Note" and I'd seen other authors do it, so... yeah. Anyways, I honestly don't know if I like this chapter or not. You'll have to let me know if you like or don't like it, I guess. So, yeah. Thanks for reading/reviewing! :)**

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Rick and I had suffered through nearly two and a half weeks of pain brought on by immature partners whose multitude of playful comments only they thought was amusing. Captain Montgomery had allowed Castle to stay at the precinct, although that was technically against the rules. However, Captain Montgomery was no where near as strict with the rules as other captains in other precincts, especially when it came to me and what I was allowed to get away with. Everyone knew we were together, although we didn't act any differently in the precinct than we used to. Even though we could, Rick and I had decided to not allow ourselves any P.D.A while we were in the office until the boys grew up and stopped taunting us about al of this. However, being in an office with each other every day and working a case together, feeling the rush of adrenalin we shared as we broke a case and finally unveiled the kill was making us a bit... thirsty by the time we left. At very least, three out of five work days for the last two and a half weeks I was spending the night at his place or he was with me at my apartment. Due to the first experience, Rick had gone out and bought something that was a bit less fragile for him and three different kinds of pregnancy tests for me.

Since my mind hadn't yet been put to ease by mother nature, every morning for the past four days, I'd taken one of the pregnancy tests and prayed that there was only one bar or that the screen read "_not pregnant_". I begged the universe to keep the test from showing that I was expecting, but honestly, every time I thought about having a baby, I was more scared about what it would mean for my relationship with him than I was of being a mother. I'd always wanted kids and every time I thought about that little girl with my hair and his eyes, all I could do was delight in the image.

I'd already waited a minute on the results and had a minute left to go. This time I crawled onto Rick's bed with him, my mind clinging to the image of the little girl, and I couldn't beg the test to be negative. Still, even though I didn't seem to have an opinion on this matter, I'd given the test to Castle and asked that he read it first. For the thousandth time he reassured me, "It's going to be negative, you know?"

And for the thousandth time I answered, "I'll believe it when I see it."

"You know, you could always cut these tests out of the equation and go into the clinic to just go get a blood test," Castle told me again.

I parroted the words I'd already given him half a dozen times. "I don't want to go into some clinic to have some stranger tell me that I'm pregnant, Castle. And I don't want to go to a clinic and run into Josh just weeks after we broke up and have him know I'm getting a pregnancy test. He'd ask questions and get involved and probably demand a paternity test even though we both know that if I am pregnant, it's your baby."

He sighed and held something back. I knew the question he wanted to ask and I knew that if I turned out to be pregnant, I would have to answer that question. However, answering that question now seemed pointless, so I said absolutely nothing. Instead I silently looked into his concerned gaze as he stared at the test. I told him that he should wait the full two minutes, but he wasn't the type to wait if there was any way of knowing sooner. Even as he gazed into the face of our future, I was curious as to what his reaction would be if this test turned out differently than the others. So far everything had been negative, but what if today the results were positive? What if a tiny human were growing inside me? What if in nine months we were changing a tiny infant's diapers and coddling our child with warm affection? I knew I wasn't yet ready for marriage or even moving in with him, but I had been ready to find the man who would make me a mother since the day I turned fourteen. If that man just so happened to be this man, I would do what was right for my child before I thought about what was right for us for even a moment.

Finally the buzzer went off and I stared into the face of a man who, for once in his life, was absolutely unreadable. He just looked at me stoically, taking in the sight of my growing curiosity as his gaze didn't leave me for even a moment. His bright blue eyes swam with different emotions that conflicted with each other: fear and confidence, joy and pain, guilt and pleasure, heartache and love. He remained wordless, his hand covering the result as he looked at me with absolutely no response. When I could bare the pause no longer, I shot out, "What, Castle? Am I- are we-?" He just looked at me and let the permanent guise thrive across his barren, lifeless image. When I asked again, "Castle?!" he didn't speak, but his still lips broke a bit and began to curl upward.

I was still in the dark, completely clueless. His wisp of a grin meant absolutely nothing to me and did absolutely nothing to answer my question. As he looked into my eyes with a growing smile and a pleasure filled, childish smirk he cocked, "I told you so."

The pressure in my chest suddenly lapsed and I let out a sigh of relief. I wasn't pregnant. Not today, anyway. With a relief filled smile making its way to my lips, I looked into his glistening pools and took in the sight of him. Moving closer to him and taking my place in his lap, I found a home for my lips as they played with his. The thought of that little girl still danced around in my mind, but I'd decided that she was a dream of things that would come when we were actually ready and married and planning on having kids. When we broke apart, Rick smiled and I asked him gently, "Are you as ready to go greet this body as I am?"

He looked at me with a casual agreeing expression and told me, "Only if you go get changed while I make breakfast."

I uttered a light, breathy laugh and told him, "Deal."

With this he left my arms and made his way into the kitchen. As he walked away, I traveled into the bathroom and changed into the clothes I'd brought over in the bag I now left in my car. With this dark navy blazer and purple, floral, ruffley blouse, dark blue jeans and black heels, I decided to something a bit different with my hair. Curling it in the way I most often did, I made sure to section off a part and pulled it back to give myself a half up, half down look that was just a bit different from the everyday look I dawns. After applying a light layer of eye shadow that was actually a shade or so darker than my skin tone, I lined my eyes and fixed my lashes before feeling entirely prepared. For some reason, something told me that today would be a different day and that this somehow more innocent, nicer look was more fitted to what would happen. I could not begin to explain to you why this was my thought, but it was.

When I was finished, I made my way from the bathroom, stalking the bag with my old clothes, and finding Rick flipping an egg on the stove. Alexis and Martha both sat at the bar, Alexis buried in a school book, Martha in a conversation with Rick which seemed to be causing him physical pain. As I strolled in, I took a seat beside Alexis on the end opposite Rick and didn't bother trying to catch up on the small argument the two others were having. Instead I decided to nudge Alexis with my arm a bit and pull her out of the realm of A.P Calculus. She looked up at me when I did as though I'd startled her, but quickly her face turned to a smile. "How's school?" I asked, simply to work up any kind of conversation.

"Interesting," Alexis said with a hint of displeasure.

I knew that response well. "What's her name?"

Alexis looked me over as though she were debating on telling me something or not. As if testing me, she asked, "What's whose name?"

One of my brows raised as I looked at her with a sly grin. "Alexis, I've been dealing with bullies, jealous girls and troublesome guys since... well, since you were in diapers. That look on your face says that something is bugging you and the fact that you are now suddenly wearing darker makeup tells me that this either has to do with wanting a boy or a girl picking on you, and I know you have a boyfriend who has somehow passed your father's approval test. So, what's her name and what did she say?"

Somehow, I'd managed to say all this quietly enough that neither Martha nor Castle had heard me, which Alexis seemed to appreciate. However, she still told me, "It's nothing. I can handle it. But thank you."

I looked at her with a soft, reassuring smile and told her, "Of course, Alexis. But if you want to talk somewhere else or some other time, you just call and we'll go out for a girls' night to go see some movie and get some coffee or something, alright?" The young girl smiled sweetly and nodded politely, allowing her head to travel right back down to her book. Just as she looked away, my phone began to ring to the tune of '_Highway to Hell'_. I lifted it from my pocket and looked down at the screen to see that it was Esposito calling. Before answering it, I looked up at Rick with a glare of irritation as his mischievous satisfaction grew. Unlocking the screen with a simple swipe, I answered it but made a mental note to put a passcode on this thing. "Beckett."

"We caught a body," Javi said, "And tell Castle this is a case that he'll have the burning desire to be in on." I was absolutely clueless as to why he'd make this comment, but I took down the address of the pizzeria and politely hung up the phone.

Once it was off, I looked up at Rick with the grimace reclaiming my face. "Really? Highway to Hell? What if that had gone off while I'd been talking with a family?"

He smiled. "I would have reserved my laughter until they left and then-."

"You'd have been shot," I told him sternly with raised eye brow. He still didn't wipe the immature smirk off his face as he stared me down. I rolled my eyes at his pleasure and told him, "You're lucky we have to fly into work. Espo says we've got a case that, quote, 'you'll have the burning desire to be in on'."

"A fun murder and getting to have breakfast with all my favorite girls? Could this day get any better?" Rick asked, kissing up a bit but actually making me lighten up on the inside. My face didn't change however.

I simply looked at him with an un-telling poker face as I asked him, "Did you at least make coffee?" To this, he smiled at me and pulled a mug off the counter, holding it out and grinning as though this coffee cup were the most important thing in the world. I warily looked at him with squinting eyes and asked, "What did you do to my coffee?"

"Nothing," he quickly said in defense.

He was too... smiley about this cup. I was alerted to his grin sooner than ever. "Castle, if you did nothing to this, then you take the first drink." With an exasperated heave of air, he complied soon enough, reaching back to take the mug and swallowing down a substantial amount of liquid. He handed it back to me and gave me a look of cockiness. He then waited as I watched him. When he didn't move, I asked, "You coming?" I still hadn't taken a sip of the liquid as he was being so strange.

He told me, "Yeah, just let me grab my coffee." He grabbed the mug and when his back was turned I took a sip. I nearly spit it out when I tasted the bitterness of it.

He turned back just as I asked, "Castle! What the hell did you do to my coffee? What is this?"

"Decaf," he said simply with a proud grin on his lips.

I looked at him with narrowing eyes and questioned, "Why the hell are you giving me decaf?" He looked at me a moment longer as I was absolutely silent. I honestly couldn't piece together what he was trying to do. He just continued to look at me with a cunning gaze as though he knew I'd eventually put the pieces together. When the gears in my brain began to move and the puzzle's many pieces started to form an image, my mouth began to drop open. His delight grew as I went absolutely speechless. Finally I allowed myself to speak, still completely leaving the other two in the dark. "Castle, you don't mean-." His lips tightened around a growing smile, but I couldn't just take his word for it. A smile tempted my lips, but didn't break them as I watched him stare into me. In both denial and disbelief, one word left my lips. "No." My face lightened as I thought about this, and decided his shenanigans were too hard to predict. I got up from my chair and rushed into the bedroom, nearly throwing myself onto the bed just to pick up the test that laid on the covers. As I looked at the displayed pair of bars on the test, my heart raced. He and the other two rushed in after me, Rick stepping in a bit farther than the other two. When I looked up from the test and into his gaze, my breath was nearly taken from me. I was absolutely wordless.

I'd come up with a million scenarios of how I'd feel if this test came back positive, but never before did I think I'd be so absolutely, blindly happy and I surely never thought he'd share that reaction. As I looked over at him with the test still in my hand, I smiled ecstatically and rushed into his opened arms, leaping in him and keeping my feet off the ground. His arms kept me to his chest and in the air as he tightly held me and spun around once, my arms wrapped around his neck as tightly as I could hold on. When he slowed and placed me on the floor, I smiled up at him and couldn't contain my love for him. My hand slipped down from around his neck and softly rested against his cheek as my lips came to meet his. I'd shut out everything else and everyone else and focused solely on him for the moment.

When his hand drifted from my waist to rest comfortably along my stomach, our lips parted and all I could do was stare into his steady gaze that was directed at our unborn child. His beaming smile radiated merriment all the way through my body as he kept me close to him. When he was finished gazing at my belly, he looked back up at me and took the same expression of love I'd taken from him just moments ago. The microsecond's kiss told me everything I needed to know about his feelings for the baby and me. Our heads rested together as we took each other in, absolutely in love and entirely thrilled about the unplanned new addition.

Finally, Martha couched a bit and pulled us out of our haze. Looking up at her for a split second with idiotically jubilant smiles, she shared our happiness as she asked, "Am I to assume I'm about to be a grandmother again?"

I laughed as she smiled at us and Rick did as well, the only answer we were able to form being a nodding yes. She then came at us with opened arms and pulled us in for a massive hug. I blissfully basked in the warmth of this hug, but it's short lived life opened the door to a different kind of reaction.

Alexis, fighting back tears, swallowed hard as our eyes all met hers. She tried to mask the expression in her face by giving a pain-filled smile and saying, "Congratulations, I'm so- happy for- for you both." Immediately my heart beat into my throat, choking out my words and then stopping its beat entirely. Castle tried to step toward her, only getting out her name before she argued, "I'm fine, I just- I- I'm late for class." She then rushed out of the room, not running, but quickly making her way to the door, grabbing her half-packed backpack on her way out. Rick and I both tried to catch up to her, but she was gone before either of us could get to her.

Feeling this weight land directly on his heart, he collapsed onto his couch behind him, mortified at what he'd just done to his daughter. I simply stood there, staring at the door, thinking of how absolutely terrible Alexis must have felt. I'd just barely started dating her father and she'd already had to make the adjustment of me coming in and sharing a room with him two or three times a week. Now all of a sudden Alexis would have to share her father with me and a new baby. She'd always been an only child in this house and she'd never had to share her dad for even a moment. If this had happened a few years from now, it wouldn't have mattered as much. She'd have grown up and moved out and would be living her own life. Now, the baby would likely be the center of her father's world during her last year with him before she'd move out.

Guilt washed over me and my head began to rush. One hand on my hip, the other came to lightly rest on my forehead as I asked, "God, Castle, what have we done?" He didn't answer. I don't think he could. At this point he was just silently sitting on the couch with his hands over his eyes as though he were trying to wash away the memory. I drew in a breath and stroked my hair to just do something. Finally I looked over at the table where Alexis' book laid and walked over to them, closing her books and pulling them into my arms. She couldn't get in trouble at school because of me. Not like this. No, I placed the pile on the table behind the couch and same up beside Rick on the couch. He was still absolutely mortified, but was now staring at the ceiling. I looked down at him and laid a gentle kiss on his cheek before noticing that he wasn't reacting. Before I got up and carried her books out with my badge and gun, I told him gently that he could call me if and when he wanted to come in or if Alexis called or came back or anything. When he didn't move, I assumed he'd heard me, but sent it in a text when I got in the car. With Alexis' books sitting passenger, I pulled out of the parking garage and started toward her school.


	6. Guilt

As I pulled up outside the large school where several teens in uniforms made their way into the light stone building, I took in a breath and watched for Alexis' familiar red hair. My mind was absolutely reeling, moving at a hundred miles per second, spiraling in so many directions I could barely focus on the crowd long enough to make out the kids' hair colors. I was pregnant. That thought spun as the epicenter of the earth shattering morning I'd just had. I was pregnant. Castle and I were going to have a baby. My body trembled with too many emotions to categorize. I'd just barely jumped into a relationship with this man. I'd barely understood what I actually felt for him. Sure, I mean, we said we love each other, but I just- I didn't know what this meant for either of us. I mean, I loved him, but I didn't want to get married like he suggested. And I didn't want to move in if it was going to do anything to hurt Alexis. I didn't want to do anything that would hurt Alexis.

While I sifted through the aftermath of what happened twenty minutes ago, I searched until I finally found Alexis. She was standing outside the doors of the school by a tree, talking to a young black haired boy who took her into his arms as she broke down in sobs. This wasn't something I wanted to break up as it seemed like he was honestly helping her. I couldn't make out his words or read his lips, but he whispered something to her as he held tightly to her. After a few short moment, the hug broke up and he held to her upper arms, looking her in the eyes and telling her something that she nodded to and let a checkmark smile come across her lips in a wave that died as quickly as it was born. He took her back into her arms for just another minute before the warning bell rang and the students began to make their way past the pair of them. When the beckoning call came for those outside, I took up Alexis' books and made my way out of the car.

She was still talking a bit with Ashley when I came up to her and at the sight of me, she shooed the young man away. He left, watching the air between us as he made his way through the doors and left our sight entirely. With a heavy breath of air passing over my lips, I told Alexis, "You forgot your book."

She nodded and accepted them, shamefully avoiding my eyes, saying, "Thanks." At first I didn't speak, I just watched her avoid looking at me and felt the same self-loathing she was putting herself through.

Finally, I reached out and put my hand on her arm, "Alexis, I am so sorry for springing this news on you the way we did, and I hope you can understand that I wasn't planning on any of this happening. Neither of us were. We just-."

Alexis put up her hand and stopped me. "I know you didn't plan this, Kate. It's just- a bit of a shock," Alexis answered. "I just need some time to process it, alright?" Her drooping eyes seemed as injured but not in the way I'd expect. I thought I'd see betrayal behind her sullen gaze which never met mine, but instead I found an implacable pain that I couldn't categorize. It seemed as though her heart was shattered by something deeper than new sibling jealousy. As she walked off toward her school and finally moved out of my sight, a deep sense of icy guilt and frozen fear spread over by veins and encased me with a bone breaking chill. I made my way back to the car and drove out into the world, but could think of nothing but Alexis. My mind was only about half focused on the road as I saw only her wounded guise trying so hard to not let another round of tears rush down her cheeks. All I could hear were her broken words like a Siren's whisper, luring me in to a sinful demise.

When I pulled up outside of the crime scene, something caused me to catch on to the burning sensation in my eyes. Looking in the rear view, I found streaking webs of woven tears leaving behind the rubble of my eye liner. I took in a breath as I wiped away the black maze on my cheeks and waited for the blurriness of my vision to subside before fixing on another black line on my lower lids and reapplying my lipstick as my lips had chapped from the heavy breaths I'd swallowed and let free while crying. When I looked like I could at least deny that I'd been crying and be half way believable, I went into the pizzeria to find Esposito talking with a younger Italian man and his date. I went ahead and passed up on speaking with them, instead heading straight to our spectacular Medical Examiner, Lanie Parish.

Unfortunately, Lanie was also my best friend and could therefore tell I'd been crying on the way in. She took in a second's worth of information from a single glance over me and asked, "What's wrong?" It looked like she thought death had fallen over me or something because she was upset enough by just the mere look of me to put her clipboard down on a table near the charged set of human remains in the large pizza oven and move in my direction. She only made it a couple of steps before she was standing right in front of me, listening to me talk.

"Nothing, Lanie. It's fine," I told her, trying to switch the topic to murder by asking, "What do we got?"

Lanie hummed a denying answer, telling me, "No, Kate, I know you. What's wrong? Where's Castle?"

"Lanie, please. We're fine. Can we please just move on to murder?" I must have seemed edgy because she searched my hands, both empty, dangling at my sides.

She then quipped in question, "You didn't have your morning coffee yet, did you?" I scowled at her mildly, making sure I didn't take my morning misery out on her. The look was enough to get her to reluctantly give in and give me the rundown on the half baked man in his mid forties who'd died from a stabbing to the chest and had been in the oven since around one in the morning. Javi joined us shortly after she was finished, asking where Castle was in the exact same curiosity Lanie had asked. They were starting to get to the same "shared brain" level that Castle and I seemed to be on at work and it was getting weird for absolutely everyone.

I sarcastically avoided his question by asking, "Why do you all assume I know where Castle is? We're dating. We aren't conjoined at the hip."

"Yeah but you two are spending like every other night together. Ryan and I can tell when you leave together whether you're going home for a decent night's rest or an indecent night," Esposito said with a raised brow in my direction.

I rolled my eyes and asked, "Why do you care?!"

"Because they're men," Lanie answered, filling in a spot on the chart and never looking at her lover.

"You both have girlfriends. Worry about them," I said, again being a bit more snippy than I would usually be. My partner looked at me and then his girlfriend for a minute, trying to figure out what was wrong with me and somehow got the answer by simply glancing at her. After this, I told Javi that I'd meet him back at the precinct when he was finished taking statements. I then plucked the list of employees from Espo's hand and headed out the door to do my job and try to keep my mind off of everything.

It didn't work.

All day I thought about the way Alexis had reacted to our news and the growing life inside me. Luckily there wasn't much work to be done that didn't keep me at my desk because being here kept the boys from noticing as my hand absently clung to the skin below my belly button, covering the area of my stomach that held my growing child. Just leaving my hand where it so naturally lied kept me centered, kept me still. I was able to keep from being completely distracted by just the simple action of caressing my skin lightly and being able to know that beyond this point, beyond this day, my life would never be the same because I would have more than just my life to think about. I would have a gorgeous, perfect little one to consider.

By the time my lunch hour rolled around, the lack of caffeine in my system was getting to me. I knew that not drinking coffee was right and it was what I should have been doing for my baby, but I needed something to keep me going. Just for the sake of knowing, I Google searched "drinking coffee during first trimester" which brought up a secondary link to . According to them, I should, "limit [my] caffeine intake to less than 200 milligrams per day, which is about one 12-ounce cup of coffee," and I was happy to get up and spread that intake over the day. I told myself I could cut down to just two cups, but knowing myself, I instead split that amount into three four ounce cuts. It didn't seem like a lot, but not having to taste the ungodly decaf crap I'd had this morning was good enough to get me through the rest of the day. At the very first taste of the swirling liquid delight, my body acted in overdrive and a rush of pleasure overcame me entirely. Just as I moaned into the mug and let my face rejoice in the drink, Ryan walked in and saw my reaction. "Beckett?"

I immediately straightened up. "What?" I asked as though I truly had no clue. His look of confusion only indicated I wasn't getting away with that one, but luckily this was Ryan and not Espo. If the Latino man had caught me looking like that with a coffee, there would have been more comments.

Ryan, on the other hand, just simply shifted feet twice rather quickly and then told me, "Castle was on the phone for you. He says you guys need to talk about this morning and that you need a lunch break. He's on his way up now."

"Alright, thanks," I told him, nodding his way and waiting for his gaping mouth to close. I nodded his way when it didn't and walked out the other door in the opposite direction. As soon as the door closed behind me, I looked back to see him linger in the door way and then turn around and walk to his desk with his wondering eyes still fixated on the floor. I got to my desk, exited out of the screen and downed the rest of the golden elixir to keep him from knowing I was drinking it. I then popped a breath mint, figuring we had more important things to talk about than my caffeine addiction. Moments after my coffee-breath was cured, Castle came striding off the elevator with a fixed direction straight toward me. If it were for the look of pain still lingering in his eyes, I would've think he was mad at me or something.

When he arrived at my desk with a sudden halt directly behind his chair, he looked me dead in the eyes, wounded but fighting, telling me straight out, "We need to talk and we can't do it here." Looking at the very ominous look that had darkened the gaze which usually brought so much happiness my way, I couldn't fight him on this topic. I picked up my keys, leaving behind the items that made me a cop, and followed him out, telling the boys we were going for lunch. For the first time yet they didn't make some kind of a joke to the and just nodded my way in understanding and concern. The entire ride to the bottom floor was absolutely silent. I was trying to decide whether to be terrified about this or just slightly uneasy, but he gave me no clue. Without having an idea about what I was charging into without resistance, I was desperately wishing I could be able to go back upstairs and dive back into the case. I begged the gods to send me a lead so that the boys would call me back, but there was no such luck.

Out on the street, the moment our feet were off the three steps that lead into my building, Castle grabbed me, wrapping his arms around my in a way that made them immobile and claimed my lips as his own. I didn't truly want to fight against him, but this dominating force he was throwing over me was not something I tolerated in this way. My arms maneuvered and bent until I was able to get my hands to his chest to push off of him, leaving his arms entirely and off setting his balance as much as I'd off set my own. "Castle, what the hell!" I said, standing about a two feet away from him is an outraged sculpt. He looked like a water balloon he was so shaky and weak.

"I'm sorry, I don't- know what came over me," he said, looking absolutely panicked. I didn't really have the heart to stay mad at him when he looked so absolutely broken up.

Instead of screaming more like I actually felt like doing, I replied, "It's fine, just don't do it again." He nodded with a sullen shame that kept his eyes directed at his shoes. I then got him back to reality by asking, "What do we need to talk about?"

He sighed and didn't speak at first, joining his eyes with mine as he searched me for a shred of evidence against something. When he didn't find anything, he looked back down at the street and let his crossed arms go slack at his side. "About the baby."

I shrugged and tried to find his eyes, asking, "What about her?"

He laughed a bit under his breath at my question and finally found the courage to look me in the eyes. "Her?"

I smiled and laughed, beginning to stroll up beside him and walking past, telling him, "Yeah. I- I just- it felt right to say she's a baby girl, you know?" He turned around completely and poked out his elbow for me to lace my arm through.

"Yeah, I think so too," he smiled as we strolled. A comfortable silence over came us for a moment as we walked, both taking in each other's soft grins as we thought about the baby a moment. I could still picture her toddling around in front of us, leading us as we kept on our path. I could see her beaming smile and innocent delight in life. She was absolutely beautiful. The simple sight of her filled my heart completely, even if she were only imaginary.

The silence couldn't last, however, and I finally asked, "So, what about the baby? What did you want to talk about?"

"I wanted to make sure that you knew that I want to be right there with you for everything. I wanted you to know that I want to be by your side every minute I can be. I- I wanted to suggest to you that... you move in to the loft," he shyly answered.

My eyes widened in a bit of shock and our short little walk came to a stop. "Castle, you're not seriously suggesting I move in after what happened this morning with Alexis, are you? I mean, I love you and I wouldn't mind living together at all, but I don't want to do anything that will upset Alexis any further."

"I know," he said softly trying to sooth my nerves that had gotten wound up. "But, honestly, it's not like you'd be ready to move in right this minute. And I just- I just wanted you to be in the loft when you start getting morning sickness and headaches and every smell in the world makes you nauseous. I wanted to be with you when you're going through your caffeine with drawl and when you have to start worrying about what kind of shirt you're wearing to ensure you aren't showing around the precinct."

Looking into his truth-filled gaze, I took a much calmer step toward him and took him hand in mine before looking him straight in the eyes and telling him, "I know, babe. I really, really do. I just don't want Alexis to feel like her world is crashing down on her any harder than it already is. I don't want to do anything to make her more upset than she already is."

"Kate, she'll be over this in three days at the latest."

"Castle, your daughter, your old child up to this point, just found out this morning that during her Senior year, her father is going to be more focused on a new baby running around the house than he will be on the fact that she's leaving in months. She just found out that she is going to have to compete for her father's attention when she should be getting the vast majority of it. Even if you were married to Meredith and this were happening to the two of you now, she'd struggle with it."

"If I were still married to Meredith, life would be a struggle in general," Castle said sarcastically.

I didn't dig in to his joke. "You know what I mean. Alexis would take this hard under any kind of circumstance and it must be worse for her knowing that I've only been in your life the way I am now for barely over two weeks!"

"Alexis will understand in time," Castle answered, "And, besides, she's not the only person I'm thinking about here, Kate. You and our baby are important to me too and I want to be there for the two of you and much as I want to be there for Alexis."

"Well the baby and I can wait for a few weeks until Alexis is actually alright with this. And you have to ask her if she's alright with it before you ask me. And when you ask me to move in with you, I want you to be absolutely certain that it's fine with Alexis and that I'm not causing any more rifts. If that means I go through the entire first and second trimesters in my apartment, then fine. I just don't want to hurt Alexis and I don't want to make any of this worse." Looking at him with a truthful and worrisome visage, I got him to the point where he just simply gave in and we continued our walk down the streets, hand in hand, smiles beaming. For that moment, we chose to put our troubles out of our minds and just simply dreamed about our baby and our future and how happy we would be. I could see it all so perfectly. I could feel her warming my heart even without knowing anything about her, without having seen so much as a picture. I'd fallen in love with her from the moment I heard about her and every time I envisioned her skipping about, I came to love her more and more, just as I came to love her father more and more with each passing moment.


	7. If Only

After about a week had passed, Castle talked to Alexis about me moving in. She didn't really have much against it as it had been one of the many things she had assumed was going to happen when we told her the news. At this point, I'd still only seen her twice for a hand full of seconds as she moved from the front room toward her room. The second time she dodged me, I told her she was welcome to stay downstairs, but she just told me she wanted us to have some alone time and disappeared. Even though he swore to me she didn't, I felt like she hated me.

When he asked me and told me Alexis was fine with it, I didn't believe him. While we were still discussing it, I got a phone call that instantly drew my attention away. Even as late as it was, even as tired as I was, I got in my car with Castle and drove out to the crime scene I didn't think would hurt me as badly as it did. Castle had tried to tell me that I didn't was to go through with this and that I didn't want to remember him like this, but nothing he said kept me at home. My captain didn't even put up a fight as I walked through the alleyway through the flashing lights of the sirens that pierced the midnight air. Looking around Lanie and seeing the way Royce's body just laid there, my heart began to race and I had to hold back the shock and pain that scurried through my veins.

There wasn't much to be done at the crime scene and a silencer on a cheap gun brought us to the thought that our killer wasn't a native New York-er. I tried to convince Montgomery to let me go to L.A, but he justifiable denied me because I was too close to this. I was compromised. Instead of dropping this, instead of letting this go, I got on a flight to L.A on my own. Little did I know that my darling baby daddy was on the flight as well and had moved me up to first class with him. His excuse? "The studio has been bugging me for weeks to come down and do a set visit."

God love him, but there were times when I just wanted to beat him until he bled.

As usual, however, he charmed his way into my investigation, renting a sports car that was anything but inconspicuous and a room that was completely outside of the realm of any room I'd ever stayed in for business affairs. Still, the day's fun events did not end there. Michael Royce was living with Jean Simmons, who told us he was helping an actress who had a commercial shoot that day at the same studio where they were filming Nikki Heat. We met Ryan and Esposito's doppelgangers and got the pleasure of being creeped out by them. After the people working the commercial told me she was gone, I broke into our young actress's home because she didn't answer the door. We got caught trespassing and the L.A.P.D called Montgomery, who chewed me out and told me to get my ass home. I ignored the directions, and found the source of our dissolving bullet. After that, the very bizarre day came to a close.

Rick and I sat on the couch, him sipping a wine while I stuck to water, purely because the thought of drinking wine while I was pregnant scared me. He did his best to assure me that it would be alright if I just sipped a small glass, but I didn't take the chance. Instead I stretched out on the couch, my legs spanning the distance of it while my body rested against his. He held me close chatted with me for a moment while he tried to get my mind off things. When that clearly wasn't working, he switched tactics and talked shop until I finally opened up to him about Royce. After talking about some play he'd used to get the home field advantage, I told Castle, "You know, I was so in awe of him, Castle. When I first met him, I just hung on his every word. And the later I realized he was just making up stories to mess with me." The unaware memory caught me off guard and at first cause me to laugh, but then longing came over me. I sighed against him, closing my eyes in a prolonged disbelief before shaking my head in a barely noticeable fashion and telling him, "I can't believe that I'm never going to see him again."

Castle didn't answer me for a moment, simply relaxing moving his free arm from the top of the couch to scroll down my arm and grab my hand, interlacing his fingers with mine. When he did, the only way I was comfortable was by letting his hand and mine fall gently along my diaphragm, just below the under wire of my bra. He let the silence do the speaking for the comfort he was trying to send my way and it worked well enough. Just being with him, holding onto him, knowing that he was right here with me was enough to satisfy me. But when he finally formed a perfectly plotted thought, he gently asked me, "Do you know what I thought when I first met you?"

At his words, I shifted a bit and a soft moan question him, my eyes closing gently and my head nuzzling into him. "I thought you were a mystery I was never going to solve." A breath overcame him as I thought about what this meant for just a moment. I didn't know whether it was a good thing or a bad thing, a compliment or an insult, but from him it sounded like an honest truth. His word reformed me and lightened me as he further explained, "Even now, I'm still amazed at the depths of your strength, your heart and your hotness."

A smile unwillingly came over my lips as I again shifted against him, eyes still closed, fatigue winning me over. Whispering softly in a hum of exhaustion, I told him, "You're not so bad yourself, Castle." I couldn't be sure whether his airy chuckle was a result of my fatigue or response, but at the time, I was so tired, I didn't even care. It had been such a long day and I seemed to desperately need sleep. I could hear him set down his wine glass and thought about asking him what he was doing, but the words never left my mouth. Instead he simply held me for another minute, his hand sliding down my body and lifting, allowing his finger tips to trace circles on my stomach as I rested.

For a moment, I thought about just drifting to sleep right there in his grasp, but that dream ended when he spoke. "Move in with me, Kate."

I was still too tired to open my eyes, but sternly answered though weary words, "Castle, not until Alexis can look me in the eyes for more than a second."

"She looks you in the eye," Castle argued.

Less fatigue distorted my sound when I told him, "Not until she feels comfortable being in the same room with me and talking with me again."

"She does," Rick half-whined. I was suddenly brought to a state of tired annoyance, which was enough to keep me up and keep my word coherent, but not enough to keep me from craving sleep.

To show him how absolutely immovable I was on the topic, I picked my body up off of his and looked at him with sleep-hazed eyes, "Castle, I will not move in with you when every time I walk into your apartment, Alexis leaves the room."

He tried, "She just wants us to have alone time," but it didn't work.

"I was a teenage girl once. I was a lot like Alexis back then. When I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings and I didn't want to get in a pointless argument, I avoided the people I needed to avoid. She lives with you. She can't avoid you, but she can avoid me. And I don't want her to hate me, Rick. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable in her own home. I will not move in until she can look me in the eye, talk to me without feeling physical pain and isn't constantly upset by my presence." He went to open his mouth and argue, but I put up my hand and stopped him. "Castle, I am not having this argument. I am too tired and too out of it to continue this fight. So, you have one of two choices one what to say next. You can finish that thought and sleep in your own room tonight, or you can not finish that thought and come cuddle in my room with me."

When my hand fell, he asked, "Is that really even a choice?"

"No," I flatly replied. He then took in another sigh and stood before stretching his hand out for me and helping me to my feet. We made our way back to my bedroom and got ready for bed before retreating under the covers with one another. He pulled me close to him and kissed my forehead, telling me goodnight and flipping off the light. I relished in his hold and melted into him, letting my body relax against his as his arms wrapped around me.

After barely a minute passed, he spoke and pulled me out of my rest almost instantly. "I think I want to marry you."

"What?" I asked, suddenly completely awake.

He answered, "I think I want to marry you. I think- I think I want to wake up next to you every morning for the rest of my life. I think I want to be next to you through every up and down, through every good day and bad, no matter what happens, for the rest of my life and beyond."

I went to talk before having words, but it didn't matter. Rick cut me off, "Castle-."

"Don't say anything, Kate. I just- wanted to let you know that that's where I am. I wanted you to know that I love you, and I would gladly give my life to you. I would happily die for you. You don't have to say a word, you don't have to feel the same way, that's just how I feel and you should know that that's how I feel about you. That's how I'll always feel about you for the rest of my life." My body went numb. My mind went numb. I didn't know what to say or do. I didn't know how to react at all. I was stunned. I was absolutely speechless. I didn't know how I felt about him. I mean, I knew I loved him. I knew I didn't want to be with anyone but him. I just- I didn't know how to react to something like this. I didn't know what to tell him. I just simply laid there in awe, silenced but somehow calm, thinking about the letter Royce had left for me. His words echoed in my head as I heard him say, "The last thing you want is to look back on your life and wonder, 'If only.'"


	8. Her Case

The only problem was that that wasn't our biggest problem. My mother's case had resurfaced and somehow I was now being told by Esposito and Ryan that Montgomery was our third cop while I was standing in an airport hangar, talking with him. Well- he was talking at me, trying his best to explain to me what went down the night he "accidentally" shot that man. He was trying to justify to me what he'd done. He was trying to tell me that he'd worked so hard at his job to find killers and put them behind bars as a penance. He was trying to convince me that he was different, but he was just like the rest of them. And now he was trying to tell me that he was just trying to protect me all these years.

There was only one question I had for him. "Did you kill my mother?"

"No, that was years later. But she died because of what we did that night." He spoke as though this was just a simple story. To me, this was still one of the men responsible for everything that I'd been through.

I didn't hesitate to ask, "Then who killed her?"

"I don't know how, but somehow he'd figured out what we'd done," he said, avoiding the question, trying to keep this man from me. "He could have turned us all in, but instead he demanded the ransom money. He took that money to become what he is and God forgive me, but that may be my greatest sin." Even as he stepped toward me, all I could think about was the fact that I was a target. I was in danger. They didn't hesitate in killing those who threatened them, and I was probably their biggest threat yet. Still, I needed a name.

I took a step toward him and told him, "Give me a name. You owe me that, Roy."

Then, as though my life meant anything to him, he had the audacity to say, "No, Kate, I know you. I give you a name, you'll run straight at him. I might as well shoot you where you stand."

I snapped, but maintained a level tone. "That's why you brought me here, isn't it? To kill me?" By the time this was out of my mouth, I was inches away from him.

He countered, "No, I brought you here to lure them."

I was slightly taken back. "You baited them?"

"And now they're coming," he explained. We both looked to see a car moving in the distance. "I need you to leave. They're coming to kill you and I'm not going to let them. I'm going to end this."

Loyalty overcame me along with a need for vengeance. "I'm not going anywhere, sir."

He looked me dead in the eyes, "Yes you are." He then raised his voice slightly and said, "Castle, get her out of here." As I turned behind me to find him, he stepped into the light and revealed himself. I didn't want him anywhere near this. I didn't want him to get hurt, but I knew what was going to happen before it began. He would never let anything happen to me or the baby. I was about to be forcibly removed, but not without some form of a fight.

He came closer and his hand came to rest on my shoulder. Rick had tried to argue, but Montgomery had shut him up. I begged, "Captain, please, just listen to me. You don't have to do this." Rick whispered my name as his arm stroked mine and tried to pull me back. I pulled away. "No, please. No, sir. I forgive you. I forgive you."

His face was oddly serious and stern, prepared and determined. "This is my spot, Kate," he said. Tears began to well up in my eyes as I knew exactly what he meant. "This is where I stand." I was desperate to have him live. We all knew that if he stayed he was going to die, but he was ready. I wasn't. He called Castle's name again, calling him to do his job.

"No! No, please. Sir, listen to me, you don't have to do this," I fought as hard as I could.

He was determined. "Castle, get her out of here, now!" I continued to try to get him to leave, but he didn't. I tried to get out of Rick's hold on me as he carried me away, but I was too weak and he was too strong. I kicked and twisted every way I could, begging to be put down, begging to help in any way I could, but he wouldn't let me. As he carried me out the back door and into the parking lot, I realized the all hope was lost. My body became wrecked with tears as I shook from pain. He held me against a car, covering my mouth and stroking my hair back, trying his best to silence me, but he couldn't. He did everything he could to calm me, but I was too far gone.

Gunshots rang through the building, six in a row, then three, then one. Each of them filled me with more and more despair. I couldn't be sure, but when the final shot went off, Rick's grip on me loosened and I was free to run in. I was free to rush into the dimly lit airport and find my Captain's body lying on the floor face up. Something in me told me he could still be alive as I rushed toward him. Something couldn't process his death. I couldn't be sure he was dead, until I was sure. Moments after I reached him, Rick reached me. Sorrow coursed through every fiber of my being, but Rick was still uncertain about my safety. Still, he came to the ground and grabbed onto me, keeping me from having to face the corpse of yet another loved one.

In his arms I sobbed in such a way that my lungs ached and my heart raced. In his arms, I wept at the loss of a mentor and friend. Castle did everything he could to sooth me. He did everything he could to help me be alright. But I couldn't be. My captain's remains were laying lifeless on the pavement. He died to protect me. He died to save me.

And now here I was, standing at a podium, reading off a speech I'd written to commemorate him. Here I was, standing before his family, doing my best to forget that I was the reason they lost this man. As I read to the group, I did my best to be as ignorant of my feelings as possible. Rick stood to my right as I continued on. The only words that rang true enough to me as I said them aloud to take me back were, "...And if you're lucky enough, you'll find someone to stand with you." This was the one line I'd had no idea why I put in the speech, but then I remembered just by looking at Rick.

I remembered everything Roy did for me. I remembered everything he'd done to keep me not only alive but happy and thriving. Over everything else he did for me, the best thing he did was force me to get to know Rick. The one thing I would never forget that he did for me was what he was still doing. He gave me love again. He gave me a crack in the wall that had built around my heart which slowly toppled it in. He gave a future. Remembering that, looking at Rick for just a moment, my heart became his as our baby became everything to me.

Then, I looked back out into the crowd and stared into the sea of men and women who'd been lucky enough to have their lives touched by my captain. And as I continued with my speech, I looking into the eyes of each of them. All were watching as I spoke of his greatness. All were watching as Rick called out my name.

"Kate!" he screamed and shot toward me. Just as he did, the sound of a gunshot burst out into the cemetery and a heavy impact came to my body. Rick and I fell to the ground with a heavy blow. Everyone panicked and voices came from every direction. It quickly dawned on me that I had been the target. Even more quickly, it dawned on me that my chest ached and my blood was soaking the white glove I wore with the uniform. I'd been shot in the chest. I'd been shot in the heart.

Shock over came me as my body began to run cold. Castle clung to me and held me tight as all around us ducked down but watched. Looking straight into his eyes he begged the way I had so few days ago. "Kate," he cooed, hushing me as I struggled for air, "Kate, please. Stay with me, Kate. Don't leave me, please. Stay with me, okay?" As he tried to keep me awake, my body began to fail. My vision blurred along the outer rims and all I could actually make out was his face. I began to drift. My body began to melt away. I was failing myself the way I'd nearly failed myself in the freezer. As he held my head and tried to keep me looking at him, he whispered, "Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate." Just as he finished this, my body gave in to what had happened and I drifted off into the subconscious world.


	9. While She Fought

Lanie and I had gotten in the ambulance with Kate and Lanie had taken over CPR. Kate didn't have a pulse and she was barely breathing on her own. The paramedics's and Lanie's face all seemed to have the same theme: urgency. This was bad and they all knew it. I was quick to offer, "She's pregnant. Kate's pregnant. She's about five or six weeks along."

Shock overcame Lanie's distraught eyes as she continued to pump into Kate's chest. The other doctor then asked me something I never thought I'd have to answer. "How attached to the pregnancy is she?"

"Very," I responded, thinking of the many nights in the last two weeks she'd come home and not really felt ready for bed until she looked down at her stomach and talked to the baby. Considering how freaked out she was about it at first, she was so thrilled now. That is- she was thrilled before all of this. Now all I could do was think about the many times she'd asked me to speculate if we were having a boy or a girl, if they had blue eyes or hazel, if the baby would grow up to be athletic or creative. She was in love with the thought of being a mother. It meant the world to her now, and then some.

Once we arrived at the hospital, one of the doctors forced Lanie to switch out. She got off the cart and was left behind to watch as they wheeled Kate into another room. The last thing we heard was the start of a patient rundown and the last thing we saw was the trail of blood left by the tires of the gurney. We were left with the image of her blood staining the floor of the hall.

Soon after we arrived, Javi and Ryan came in on their phones trying to manage the scene from afar. I stared at Lanie's troubled response when Esposito asked, "How is she?

Lanie couldn't pretend she didn't know what was happening. She saw the wound. She was an M.D. When she said, "They just took her to surgery, but-," and couldn't finish the sentence, the whole room knew what that meant. They all knew before Lanie had to chance to collide into Esposito and find comfort in his arms.

I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know who I was supposed to be in this situation. I didn't know what to do when all I wanted to do was reverse time and take Kate's spot as the victim on the table. So instead of being useless, I took over the role Kate would have played were situations reversed. Despite how lightly I'd taken the job in the last three years, I did the only thing I could think to do and played cop. "What about the shooter?" I asked Ryan since Esposito was busy comforting the mourning ME.

He slowly and regrettably told me, "Gone."

"Gone? How can he be gone?" I quickly questioned with slight anger.

Kevin replied, "We don't know, but he left his weapon behind."

"It's a mark eleven," Javi explained while still holding Lanie to him as closely as he could, "A modified sniper rifle. Favorite of Special Forces. We're checking for prints now." Being so focused on putting this bastard in the ground, my mind shot to the idea of a print coming up, but having nothing in the system. I'd written this scene enough to know that someone working as a gun for hire wouldn't want his prints in the system. Somehow, my mind told me there was no chance in hell he'd be in the system. But after all, what did I know? I wasn't a cop. I was a writer.

Almost instantly after Ryan was done speaking, my mother called my name from behind. This got me to turn around and find both my mother and daughter rushing in. Alexis called after me, "Dad!" and sprinted into my arms. I held tight to both of them, just happy to have someone there to hold, but scared to death about what either of them would say. Alexis tried to ask a question, but Kate's father entered the same way my family had and kept her from saying a word.

"Where's Katie?" he asked, seeming broken and scared, but his face was very serious and hallowed out. His next sentence was much more intense and harsh, "Where's my daughter?"

"In surgery," Javi explained.

Alexis looked at me with frightened eyes, "Is that safe? I mean- that's not going to hurt... anything, is it?" I wanted to be able to tell her that it would be fine, but I had no idea what was and wasn't okay for an unborn child or Kate in this situation. I looked at her with as much fatherly love as I could muster and thought about how she'd asked in a way that kept the boys and Jim out of the loop.

I didn't answer it in any way similar to that. "I don't know, Lex. I don't know that the baby is one of their top priorities right now. I don't know what's going to happen to her or the baby."

The detectives reacted much faster than Jim. "She's-?" Ryan couldn't finish the sentence. I knew what he mean and morosely nodded with a slightly quivering lip. Both Esposito and Ryan looked disheartened by this usually joyous news. I had every reason to believe that under normal circumstances, they'd be thrilled to hear something like this, but now they looked like I'd just told them she was terminally ill.

Jim looked me up and tried to be sure he knew what he didn't know ahead of time. "Are you- are you and my daughter- is Katie pregnant?"

I just looked at my mother and Alexis, my daughter cowering and my mother doing her best to be protective of us both. Seeing this, I thought of how scared Kate was to tell him and what might have happened if we'd had a chance to wait, but now we didn't. I answered simply, holding back the pain I truly felt, "Yes, sir." He just simply looked at me in an odd way. I couldn't read his expression. I couldn't read anything about him. After he asked this, however, he disappeared and I didn't bother following him. All I could think about doing was sitting down and holding my daughter so I knew that at least one of the two women who meant the world to me was alright. She gladly nuzzled into my chest like she did when she was a child as we sat on a few chairs and waited for any kind of news.

It was taking too long to hear anything. Every second that I spent not knowing what was happening was another second I spent focused solely on the thought that she'd make it through this, even though the outer rims of my field of though came up with millions of reasons why she wouldn't make it. Either she or the baby wouldn't make it through this, the rational part of my brain thought. That's what's happening. They're trying to stabilize Kate to become a human incubator or she has lost the baby. Something terrible is happening. You are losing one of them. That's what's taking so long.

My body couldn't really process the thought of losing Kate. Every time the thought even popped into my head I died a little. Losing Kate or having to watch as she went through the loss of our unborn child ripped my heart to shreds. I only wondered how Kate dealt with any thoughts like this. Because if she had them as often as she had every other kind of terrible thought, I didn't understand how she survived.

After nearly an hour of just sitting around and waiting, Alexis finally said something into my chest. "I'm sorry daddy. I'm so sorry. I don't know why I handled the news so poorly. I don't- know why I just- I didn't want to- to lose you. I didn't want to- share you, but I didn't mean for it to be- I didn't- I-." She could speak. Her chest restricted her from saying anything else. Seeing her fumble for words the way she did was something I hadn't ever seen before. This was strange. This was beyond strange. But that wasn't the worst of this.

I didn't have to think back much on the past week in order to say, "No, Lex, no. It's- it's really not your fault. None of it is. I should have handled this better, I should have thought about how you might feel about all of this. Nothing that happened was your fault. I- I'm sorry that I didn't think about how news like that might affect you. I'm sorry."

She didn't really reply, but instead adjusted in my arms and held me closer to her. I pulled her tighter to me and let my trail of thought wander back to my injured lover. All I could was pray that she survived this- hope that she and the baby would make it through this. I didn't know how I could survive losing her. And I knew losing the baby would destroy her. I tried to convince myself that she would be alright and that she and the baby could survive, but I wasn't doing a very good job of it. The only conclusion I could come to in my heart was that my future would never be what I thought it would be.

Finally, a doctor in blue scrubs came toward us, his posture and facial expression seriously worrisome for all of us. "How is she?" I asked as I stood and the doctor approached.

He answered as any wary doctor did. "She's stable, but she's not awake yet. The anesthetic hasn't worn off yet."

"How's her heart?" Lanie asked, being the only one with any kind of medical training.

The man replied, "As good as we can expect. But we'll be watching her very closely."

"And the baby?" Alexis asked for me as I seemed to be tongue tied.

The doctor looked at the young girl and then at me. "Are you the baby's father?" he asked. I nodded. He hesitated a moment and shifted in his place before telling me, "She and the baby are both alright for now, but she sustained major injuries to her heart. The stress of the pregnancy added to how weak her heart is after an injury like this could be a massive risk factor for her heart to give out. Due to the added blood flow a pregnancy causes, Kate's heart should be working harder than ever for her right now, but she's very weak and it's very possible that anything getting her heart beating too fast could cause her to go into cardiac arrest."

"So, what are you saying?" I asked, already catching some of what he was getting at.

He answered, "Because of the pregnancy, there are just some added risks to all of this. I'll have our Obstetrician come to speak with you both when Miss Beckett wakes up, but until then, you should try and consider all options."

Jim then asked, "Can we see her?"

"Well, like I said, she's very weak. I can take one or two of you to see her, but that's the most I can allow at a time." It didn't take anyone any time to seemingly understand that Kate's father and I would be going in. When Alexis released me and went to cling to her grandmother, I suggested they both head home, and there wasn't much argument from either of them. The boys flatly refused to let this asshole get away and went into the precinct instead. I didn't really know where Lanie was going, but she left with the others while Jim and I walked off.

When I got to her bedside and sat in the chair beside her across from her father, all I could do was watch her breathe. Her usual coloring had left her in every way. Her typically rosy cheeks now held the same washed out tone that the rest of her visage held. The sunset pink shade in her unstained lips was now a impish peach, cracked and dry. My hands clung to hers as I scanned over her body. When the thought of her being alive registered a bit more, my thoughts turned from that simple fact to the more present, "She and the baby are alive." As tenderly as I could, as gently as I could, I gingerly laid my palm over her stomach and let this be my solid ground for now. I didn't leave that night. Jim didn't want to leave, but when he stared dosing off, he took my suggestion of heading home as I swore to call him the moment she woke up. I just simply stayed by her bedside and waited for her to wake up.


	10. Opened Eyes

Noises began to fill my ears. I couldn't tell where I was, but it sounded as though machines were running. My chest and left side were screaming out in pain, but that was all the feeling I had in my body. Everything was dark. I was too tired and too weak to open my eyes. Something was telling me to go back to sleep so that I didn't have to face some reality, but I couldn't bring myself to suppress the curiosity of what was causing my heart to want to beat out of my chest. The only sound I could manage to absolutely know was the sound of the monitor that seemed to be tracking someone's heartbeat. Actually, it seemed to be in sync with my heart. At that thought, I forced myself to try and open my eyes. It was a process of slowly opening and shutting my lids, gaining a bit of imaging each time. When I was finally able to see, the memories came flooding back.

I'd been shot. I remembered being at my Captain's funeral with Rick, reading a speech to the crowd of mourners. I remembered thinking about how Roy had given me so much and now he was gone. I remembered standing there, looking at Castle, thinking about our baby and doing my best to deliver a speech that would tell everyone what a wonderful, caring, brave, amazing and influential man he was and how lucky we all were to get to know him. I remembered standing there, speaking. And then I remembered being on the ground.

I remembered Rick tackling me to the ground at the sound of a gunshot. I remembered lying there, feeling myself fade away as Castle tried to keep me awake. I remembered hearing everyone around me panic and gasp as they all found the two of us on the ground. The most vivid memory I had was the sensation of the bullet tearing through my chest, impacting my heart and my body's immediate response to go into shock. I remembered the feeling of dying in the ambulance, my only thought focused on the well being of the child I was carrying.

My eyes opened in the darkness of the room, taking a grip on the blue eyes hovering over me, holding me still. Rick was about a foot away from my face, smiling a mournful grin. I couldn't tell if it were the simple fact that I was in a panicking state on the inside or if it was because he looked like an angel in this moment, but my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. However, my pain was gone. When I finally got the ability to speak back, my raspy words seemed to do nothing to help his remorseful expression. "Rick?"

He smiled and his hand came to my cheek, wiping away a stray strand of hair as he cooed back, "Hey there, beautiful."

Swallowing hard, I looked into him and asked, "What happened?"

Against my better judgement, I let my face take on the fear I was feeling and he could see it. I don't know what he was thinking, I don't know what could have possibly been on his mind that would make him look so broken, but he looked as though someone had just stolen his life from him. His eyes cam to mine and studied me for a painful breath and by the time he'd lost all air in his lung, he could procrastinate no longer. I don't think he'd said it aloud yet, because when he told me, "You were shot, Kate," he seemed to crack and his lip shuttered a bit. "You- you were shot in the chest and- you bled out. They said you died, but- now you're fine. You're fine."

"And the baby?" I asked, with a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, one that nearly choked out my words.

He shifted a bit when he told me, "The baby's fine." I got the feeling he was holding something back, but in the moment, I didn't want to know what that something was. I didn't want to hear that it was possible there would be complications. I didn't want to know it the baby could have brain damage or if he/she could be injured in any way. I just wanted a few moments without having to worry about it. But that didn't work out.

About three seconds passed before I had to asked, "Castle, what's going on with the baby? I can handle it, no matter what it is."

I knew he didn't believe me. I didn't believe me. Yet he told me anyway. "They think keeping the baby would be very risky for you. If you kept the baby, you'd be on bed rest and you'd be at a high risk for cardiac arrest." I looked at him a moment, knowing what he was getting at, but not truly listening to him. He finally had my full attention when he told me straight out, "Keeping the baby could kill you."

I didn't know how to react. I didn't know how to respond. He just stared at me, and I stared at him. My hand, which had already been resting along the flat of my stomach, moved gently to stroke the cloth covering it. He was the only thing I watched. I waited to see him react to his own words, but he seemed to be doing the same thing with me. There wasn't anything I could say to express to him how much pain the thought of losing this baby cause me. I couldn't do it- I couldn't just abandon my child. Somehow, I didn't have to tell him that I would do anything for this baby. All I had to do was let myself look to my hand over the baby, and he understood. His hand slid through my fingers and his palm laid over our unborn infant. Somehow, he understood everything I felt without hearing a word come out of my mouth.

The only words he said after this were, "I love you, Kate," and that was all I needed. From then on, he sat beside me in the chair by my bed and said nothing about anything related to all of this. He held my hand in his and played with my fingers as though they were a precious gift he'd just been given. We talked endlessly about pointless things such as the flower shop I could open by now and how he was still working his hardest to defeat Esposito's high score on some racing game whose name I can't remember. When my dad showed up, Castle gave us a few minutes alone. It didn't go well.

He came in looking awkward and uncomfortable. I couldn't really react with anything but a smile, but I wished I could tell him anything to sooth his nerves. When he came in and sat down, he asked me how I was feeling. I don't think he was expecting anything more than an, "I'm fine." When I told him, "The baby and I are fine. I mean, we will be," it took him off guard a bit.

His brow raised and he asked, "You're keeping the baby?" He looked injured. I couldn't figure out why he looked so hurt. He looked as though I'd betrayed him.

I answered sweetly, "Y-yeah. I mean- I know it's risky, but I-..." I didn't seem to be able to speak. Instead, I just simply let my resting hand stroke the blanket that was resting over my stomach. I took a breath. I took just a moment to collect myself and answered, a smile forming over my lips as I held his gaze, "I love my baby, dad. I don't care what it takes. I'm going to make sure we're both fine. I just- I won't abandon my child."

"Katie, this could kill you," he reminded me as though I didn't already know that.

"I know, " I told him, "but it doesn't matter. I don't care. I'm keeping this baby. And- I don't care if that means that I'm on bed rest for the next seven and a half months or if I have to be hospitalized or even if-... if the worst should happen. I mean, Castle is already an amazing father and- I know the baby will be fine and I just- that's all I care about." He was silent. I was silent. He was aching and scared. His eyes seemed to retreat from the honest truth of my statement. I didn't know how to comfort him. He didn't know how to react at all. He searched for words and came up empty, I searched for understanding and found none. Instead, his mind froze over. I moved on, "So, ah, am I to assume the whole family knows by now?"

He waited a moment and looked at me before collecting himself and refocusing. "Yeah, they know about the shooting. Unless the papers said it, though, I figured you'd want to tell them about the baby yourself."

"Probably best," I responded with a light smile. Rick then walked in and I immediately nearly sighed with relief. He walked toward us and explained apologetically, "I'm sorry, I wouldn't interrupt, but the doctor's insisting on seeing you now."

"Which one?" I asked, half curious, half defeated by the continuity on the different medical technicians.

While my dad just looked at me as though I just said my skin was purple and my hair was green, Castle replied, "Dr. Ripple, the OB/GYN."

"Why? I thought you said the baby was fine," I answered, slightly nervous and slightly confused.

She then walked in with a smiling face and told me simply, "Don't worry, Miss Beckett. Your baby's fine. I'm just here to further discuss the things Mr. Castle discussed with your cardiologist last night."

"What did you discuss with my cardiologist?" I asked him.

He simply said, "You already know," as though that were a definite answer. I still had no idea what he was talking about.

Or at least, I didn't know until the woman told me, "So, Mr. Castle tells me that you're declaring termination out of the question."

"Yes, thats absolutely correct," I stated strongly.

She then asked, "Has anyone been over the risks with you?"

I nodded and started listing them off, "The worst three? Cardiac distress, loss of pregnancy and therefore our deaths."

"Or you could die during child birth," the doctor stated.

I rolled my eyes and answered, "Isn't that always a possibility?"

"You have a six times higher risk than the average mother in the United States," she bluntly stated.

Castle shifted. I could tell this was a number he was familiar with. My dad, however, didn't want to listen. He apologized, stood and left after promising to be back in a bit. Once he was gone, the doctor began to ask me a few questions that I would expect from an OB/GYN. She felt my stomach just a slight bit but when her arm brushed against my side, I winced and hissed. She apologized and that was the end of that. I then asked her, "Do you think the baby's alright? I mean- after the shooting I lost a lot of blood. Could that cause some kind of brain damage or something?"

The woman frowned a bit and then looked up at Rick who immediately took hold of my hand. When her sullen gaze met mine, she answered, "It is possible that at this stage, that amount of blood loss could cause organ damage, but honestly, he fact that you didn't miscarry is largely amazing. Should something happen to further weaken your body, it is possible you could lose the baby. Also, your OB will have to monitor you closely. I'm simply here to give the final OK to start you on easy physical therapy."

"When can she come home?" Castle asked with a pleading tone.

The woman replied, "When we feel confident in letting her go. That could take a few days but it shouldn't be any more than a week. Actually, a week seems excessive. However, that's more up to the cardiologist than me."

"When will we know if the baby was hurt?" I asked, paying nearly no attention to my own well being and still picturing the girl I saw in my day-dreams.

Dr. Ripple told us, "Some conditions could show up on the sonograms and other tests that we preform before the baby is born, but most won't show up until after birth. For instance, we can't really tell if a child is deaf until he's half a year old or older. If he can't see, we should be able to test that when he's born. If his heart or lungs were damaged, we might not know until he's born, but we'd likely know right away."

"So I could carry the baby to full term and she could-... Die?" My heart ached as she confirmed my worst fear. I couldn't help but tighten my hand around Rick's and as I did, he followed my lead. We were basically silent for the rest of the check up. She didn't ask many more questions, but put my legs in the stirrups and took an ultrasound. Our baby's picture came up on a small screen. She was no bigger than a peanut and was about the same shape. The feelings I had in my heart fought a heavy war for control and ultimately fell into deadlock between mortal fear and absolutely delight. She left us with the screen still showing the baby to us.

I sat for a while in the bed and then finally found a winner in my heart. Castle didn't care what he'd been told to do and got into bed with me, pulling me close as I wept into his chest. He didn't say a word. He just hushed me as I curled up beside him and let myself be wrecked with the desperate longing in my chest. The thought of the baby losing her life because I was so careless with my own was crushing me.

How could I be so careless? How could I be this thoughtless? How could I be so mind-numbingly idiotic! At this point, the only thing my child depended on me for was my own sense of self preservation. All my baby needed from me was for me to take care of myself, feed myself and to not put myself in danger. That's all that she needed and I couldn't give that to her. Why couldn't I give that to her?

She deserves it. She deserves a mother who can be everything she needs her to be and then some. She deserves to have someone who was as broken as I was. She deserved something more. I mean, she wasn't even born yet and I was already screwing up. What kind of mother am I? I almost got us both killed. I could have caused her to be blind or defeat or worse.

"No," I argued in my mind, "she'll be fine. Don't worry."

I didn't convince myself and Rick didn't convince me either. The only thing I did was manage to cry so much that, in my weakened state, I fell asleep in Rick's arms. All I dreamt about was her. At first she was playing merrily with Rick and I was watching from afar. Then I realized that she and Rick couldn't see me. Somehow I knew that in this dream, I was dead. They played for what seemed like minutes before the world changed. Rain began to pour and suddenly she was in my arms. We were standing in from of Rick as he stared at two grave stones. He laid a rose in front of one with teary eyes and started at it for a while. Then, he laid a stuffed pink and white panda beside the other, crying harder and harder. I finally got the picture. The baby and I were dead.

When I woke again, I was still on the bed, but I was completely alone, left to think about my unborn child in the silence.


	11. Night Sickness

Hours later after I'd woken up alone, nausea over came me like a tidal wave and engulfed me completely. Whatever small amounts of food I'd eaten were gone as I used the bed pan on the table beside me to retch into. After that, I didn't hold down anything else. Two days went by and I couldn't eat anything solid. The doctors chalked it up to the drugs and the pregnancy, but I didn't care. That didn't help me. At this point, I couldn't even be near Castle if he was wearing any kind of cologne because I felt so ill. This was yet another thing I was failing at as a mother.

According to Dr. Ripple, the baby was fine as long as I was staying hydrated by the I.V, but that I had to continue to try to eat something. Every few hours, I did my best to swallow some foul bit of food that I usually wouldn't mind eating, but if it got down my throat, it didn't stay there long.

I was sick of it. I was sick of all of it. I was sick of hearing the doctors tell me I would be fine. I was tired of being hooked up to a million machines. I was done with the thousands of times I had to try to convince the person sitting beside me that I was fine every time I threw up. It was exhausting. All I wanted was to go home and lay down in my own bed for a little while. I just wanted to stop feeling so completely miserable for just a minute so that I could cuddle up next to Rick and just sleep. Once the nurse left after taking away the most recently filled bowl thing, I coughed out, "I want to go home," in a wining, brittle gripe.

Rick looked at me and replied, "I know, Kate. I know."

When my coughing fit was over and I fell back against the best, I looked up at the ceiling and told him, "I hate this."

Again he echoed, "I know."

The part I hated most in all of this, however, was his constant, "I know." He didn't know. He'd never been shot. He'd never been puking his guts out and having to feel guilty about it because of another human inside him needing to be able to eat. He wasn't aware of the emotional side effects keeping me up and putting me to sleep for various reasons. He knew nothing. Nothing! I didn't lash out at him, because God knows he was trying to understand, but his constant "I know"s were getting to be too much for me to handle. Instead of telling him that, however, I said, "Castle, listen, I need you to do something for me."

"Anything," he said with an unknowing grin.

I questioned, "Promise?"

"Yes, Beckett. I promise."

"Go home," I told him simply. He looked at me as though I'd told him to take a long walk off a short cliff. "You are tired. I am tired. And I don't need you babysitting me every step of the way. The only thing I need you to do is go home, get some rest and stop hovering."

He tried to argue, "Kate, I-."

"No, Castle, you promised. Please, just- get some sleep. I'll be fine," I insisted. At this point, I think he was too tired to argue. He didn't say anything, but let a defeated sigh come across him. While he stared down, clearly upset, I took his hand in mine and my thumb rubbed softly against the back it. "It'll be alright, babe. We'll be fine." He still didn't answer. I gave him a minute, but he didn't react. Just to fill the empty air, I told him, "I love you." He still didn't answer aloud. He just simply reclaimed his hand and laid a gentle kiss on my forehead, lingering there for just a second before he walked away.

Thinking of him being so upset pained me, but I didn't want him to continue to hang around and watch me be sick. I didn't want him to have to lose sleep and sanity just to watch me in pain and ill. I was trying to do what I thought was best for him, but I wasn't really thinking. When Javi came by a few hours later, he told me that Rick had gone back to the precinct to work. Ryan was still there with him, but he'd fallen asleep at my desk. Because Espo and Ryan and everyone knew I didn't want to know where they were on my case, they respected my request to not hear about it. In an effort to avoid this, though, the first question he thought of was, "So, how's the little one treating you?"

I answered, in pain, "Better than I'm treating her," but I did so so quietly he didn't hear me.

"What?"

"She's fine."

"She?" he asked.

I smiled and laughed at his surprise, "We don't know for sure, that's just my best guess."

"A girl?" he asked, seemingly confused or shocked.

Tentatively, I answered, "Yes."

"Huh."

"What?"

"Nothing, I just-," he stopped and then looked at me. My eyes forced him to continue, "I always thought you'd make a great mother to any little boy. I mean, you just know about sci-fi and video games and stuff. I don't usually see the dress-up, dolly side to you much." I actually couldn't stop myself from laughing under my breath. He was right. He and Ryan never really got to see the girly side of me. For the most part, the only time I was really girly was when I was getting ready in the morning and when I was out and about with Lanie. I mean, aside from the way I dressed and did my hair and stuff like that, I wasn't particularly girly in the work place.

After a bit more conversation, he could tell I was completely wiped. He left after telling me to get some sleep and I almost instantly passed out. For the thousandth time I dreamed of death. My mind went wild with the images of Rick taking that bullet instead of me. As he dove to save my life, he got himself shot. As blood seeped out of his spine, I watched the life leave his eyes as I begged him to stay with me. A single tear slipped out of his bloodshot eyes and crawled down his cheek as his eyes lost their focus on me and fell back into his eyelids as they heavily closed. Everyone disappeared and I was left alone, holding Rick's body and sobbing into his chest.

I finally woke when nausea woke me up. Again, I filled a bed pan and again I was left with no one by my side. I was still tired but I couldn't sleep. I just simply laid there, one hand on my stomach, one on my chest over my newly formed scar, just breathing. I had to focus. I had to calm my mind. I had to just- breath. It wasn't working. My mind was stuck on the thought of Rick being gone. I wanted desperately for him to be there. I pined for the comfort of his sky blue eyes. I knew that if I called him, he'd come, but- I couldn't. Instead, I sat there and breathed until I couldn't hold back the bitter tears that had been biting at my eyelids. When the floodgates burst, I wept into my the empty air with heavy, burning breaths.

Then, at the climax of my pain, I felt the caress of hands I knew instantly. I didn't have to look into his brilliant blue eyes to know that it was him when he scooped me into his arms and climbed into bed with me, cradling me as I sobbed into his firm chest. His scent, mild and gentle, soothed me into a state of acceptance that wrestled with lingering huffs of pain, but was calm enough to slip into the unconscious world without a haunting vision to wake me. For the first time in days, I slept without waking up in fear because I was in his arms.


	12. Distrust

After four or five days, the only thing that had gotten better was my physical state. I could walk much stronger. I managed to move around a bit more. I even had the ability to make it to the bathroom instead of puking my guys out into the bedpans. Also, I was actually able to hold down tiny parcels of food when I ate slowly with time between portions. It was the major reason why I was getting stronger. Still, I was getting sick everyday at least once, more often twice, but it was better than zero solid food being retained.

I still hadn't been able to relieve myself of the nightmares stuck in my mind of death and pain, a new form of it every night. Sometimes I envisioned Rick's death. Sometimes it was my own. But more often than not, I watched my daughter die in some horrible way. I'd watched her bleed out after being shot by the same bullet that shot me. I watched her starve, waste away and die. I watched in horror as the stress sunk too deeply into me and I-... shook her. I watched- a million terrible fates befall her and each one shattered me to my deepest core.

Though he could tell I was tense and... troubled... he gave me my space and didn't ask many questions. Just about the only question he asked me was, "You want to talk about it?"

The moment he asked, I gritted my teeth and gave him a death-cold, "No." I completely and totally shut him out. He hit the wall and never recovered. Now his only questions pertained to how I was feeling and if I slept well. We both knew that answer wasn't actually the, "Yeah," I was giving him, but he let it go every time. Still, I got the feeling he was being crushed and breaking a lot faster than I was healing. He wouldn't talk to me about it and I couldn't talk to him. At this point, I didn't know that our relationship was going to survive this. I wasn't being the person I wanted to be with him; I wasn't letting him be supportive much at all. About the only thing that I knew about whatever it was that our relationship had become was the fact that we were unstable. We were in trouble._  
_

But, like I said, I couldn't talk to him about it. In fact, I couldn't talk to anyone about it. Something was keeping me from even thinking about the shooting and the dreams I was having alone were too painful to discuss. So I rested. I sat. One of my hands was most often resting over my stomach as though it was magnetically drawn there. The other was often sprawled out along my side with a tight fist at the end of it or slung across my chest to cling to my shoulder. Since I snapped at him, Rick never really touched me anymore unless he thought I needed it while I was moving around. Before it felt like that was all we had, but now we didn't even have that. Like I said, we were falling to pieces. I could feel it.

The only person who I talked to any of this about was, amazingly, Alexis. Actually, it was incredible how easily she kind of made me open up simply by saying, "You and my dad seem... tense."

Looking at her, I just kind of sighed and apologized. "I'm sorry, I'm just- tired. I hope he's not being tired and stressed when he's at home."

"He doesn't come home," Alexis shot at me, "All he does is stay here or stay at the precinct. I only see him when I see him here."

My fist softened as I again told her, "I'm sorry, Alexis."

She sighed, "It's not your fault. I know you've tried to get him to go home. He just- he just wants to make sure you're okay."

"I'm fine," I lied.

She gave me the same condescending look I would have given myself. "I know you're not fine, Kate. It's not possible for you to be fine." I didn't respond. I didn't argue. I didn't have it in me. She then decided, "You look like you haven't slept in days."

"Yeah, well, that happens when you're shot," I told her very sarcastically, teasing lightly. She smiled.

Alexis inferred, "Nightmares?"

"Yeah..," I admitted for the first time to someone without a medical degree.

Curiously, she asked, "About the shooting?" I wanted to be honest with her. Really, I did. But I couldn't tell her everything that was troubling me. She didn't need it. I mean, she was a junior in high school. She didn't need to know what was troubling me. She didn't need to hear about my nightmares. She had enough on her plate to worry about.

"Yeah, but I'll survive. How's school?"

"Boring as always," Alexis admitted, "But at least it's a bit entertaining. How do you stand it here?"

I laugh weakly and muttered out, "I sleep. A lot. Plus, I have your dad here to talk with. And if he's not here, Espo or Ryan or Lanie is here. Or my dad or your grandmother or you. You're all very good at making sure I have good company whether I need it or not."

"Gram comes around?" Alexis sounded surprised. I guess I just assumed she'd known that already.

"Yeah, she was here yesterday for a little while and the day before. Although, I got the feeling it was more to talk to your dad than to talk with me."

"What'd she tell him?"

I shrugged. "Probably to go home, I guess."

"What'd you say to her?"

"Nothing really. I just asked her to get Rick home and she tried her best to make that happen." Alexis seemed puzzled and somewhat frustrated. I could see it. I understood how she would get upset that her dad was staying here instead of going home like we all wanted him to. Every time I asked him to go home to his family, he kept insisting I was family, but I continuously told him that his daughter and mother needed him at home. He never answered this. He just got quiet and changed the subject.

After a few minutes of much lighter conversation between Alexis and me, her father came in with a solemn, troubled essence about him. His face was very dark, his eyes distant and emotionless. He must have wiped all traces of an emotional response from his being when he heard whatever news this was. When we saw him, our smiles disappeared and Alexis brought her story to a sudden end. He didn't look at either one of us, but spoke. "Alexis, could you give us a minute alone, please?"

The teenager looked at her father for any sense of how bad this was, but he'd suddenly adopted a blank look of nothingness. She rose and slunk out of the room, passing her father without finding his eyes at any point in time. When the door closed behind him, Rick moved toward the bed as I questioned, "What's wrong, Castle? What's happening? Why would you kick Alexis out?" He came to my bedside and sat down on the edge. He was still absolutely silent, staring at his hands which were connected in his lap. My heart beat faster. We could both hear it on the monitor, reminding us both that time was passing, reminding me that I had no answer yet. "Castle, please, just- talk to me."

He didn't speak. He didn't move. I wasn't sure that he was even breathing. Nothing changed until I sat up and grabbed his hands. He cupped one of my hands in his and stared at that form for a while. His words still remained non-existent. I was still clueless. He then finally drew in a breath and I somehow knew he was going to speak. "They're discharging you," he told me.

"And that's a bad thing?" I asked, painfully.

He answered, "They're discharging you under the assumption that you're going to go home and stay in bed."

"...And?"

"And they asked me to make sure you were somewhere with someone who can be with you 24/7." Castle's vaguely answered.

I thought for a moment that I was caught up. "Castle, if you're worried about the whole _moving-in-with-you _issue, I'm not still reluctant to do so."

"No, Kate, that's not-... I...," he was at a loss for words and scared. I just didn't know why. He couldn't focus, so just to give him some comfort, I lightly stroked his hand with my palm. He breathed in and finished, "I can't be that person for you."

My hand slipped from his. "What? Why?"

"I can't be there for you 24/7. I can't- take care of you. You won't let me."

I was in a bit of shock for a moment and tried to speak. "I- Castle-."

"No, Kate, don't. It's alright, okay? I get it. You- you don't let people take care of you because you don't like feeling like you have to rely on someone, and that's fine for now. I mean, let's be honest here. You and I jumped into this so quickly and you're not ready for this. You're not ready to move in. You're not ready to start this kind of new life with me and I can't force you to be."

"No, Castle, please," I begged, "I'm ready to move in with you. I am ready to be with you, honestly. I trust you. I trust that you'll be there for me and the baby. I'm ready."

He then insisted, "No, you're not. You couldn't be. If you were, you'd let me take care of you. You'd let me in. You wouldn't be shutting me out. You aren't ready to be in a committed relationship."

"Yes, I am," I forcefully echoed.

This time, he was a bit more angry, "No you aren't. You've done nothing but shut me out for the last six days. You've done nothing but distrust me. I don't know what I ever did to make you so insecure about letting me in, but I got the message loud and clear. I understood every word of it, Kate. I get that you're just not ever going to trust me enough to see that there is nothing you could ever show me, nothing you could ever say to me that would make me stop loving you. So, please, excuse me if I thought that it would be better for you and my child if you stayed somewhere with someone who you trust. I figured, if no one else, your dad could at least get you to talk and keep you somewhere where you're not so stressed out you're getting physically ill. At least if you're with your dad, you will be able to sleep at night and you'll be able to eat and you can be somewhere with someone who you'll let love you. At least-."

"Rick!" I hollered above him.

He asked, "What?!"

"My nightmares are about losing you or the baby. All I do is think about what would have happened if you'd been shot or if the baby had died. I'm not physically ill because you stress me out by being here. I'm physically ill because the thought of you not being here, the thought of something happening to our baby because I was stupid enough to get myself sniped are two thoughts that haunt me every waking minute of everyday and I can't stand it. I'm not shutting you out, I just- I can't bring myself to think about it anymore than I have to. I trust you, Rick. I love you. I just-," by now, my body was trembling in fear. I couldn't say it. I couldn't tell him why I didn't talk about it. But somehow, I knew he knew I was just simply terrified.

He latched onto me almost the second my words choked out. He grabbed hold of me, pulled me into his arms and said, "It's alright, Kate. We're both alright. Everything's absolutely fine. I promise."

"Castle, I'm fine, I just-... you can't leave me at my dad's, alright? Please, I- I need you. I need to know that you're alright and that you'll be there. I need to know that we're alright," I told him honestly, doing what he wanted me to not do and thinking about the baby more than myself. I wanted us to be okay, I wanted to be able to trust him, but- if I weren't carrying his child, if I didn't have to think about what was best for our baby as much as I did, there's a good chance we wouldn't have made up so quickly. Honestly, I owed my decently aggravation-free make up with Rick to our daughter.


	13. Saving Us

_"Help! Help, please! Castle!" I screamed from afar. He just simply stood there, watching as I fought against the hands that came around me and pulled me in. I gasped for air, trying not to drown in the sea of limbs that were chasing after me. So many bodies piled on top of one another, working to consume me into the pile. In terror I cried out for my lover, but he'd turned away. He would not help me. Not now. Not ever. "Castle! God, Castle, please!"_

_His typical look of dazzling blue compassion was swept away and swirled now with the frozen remains of his disappointed love. I could see how much he despised me in the total lack of emotion he had resting on his face. There was not a single feeling of remorse in him as he watched the demonic mass of corpses I carried with me in everything I did swallow me. As I tried my best to continue to just breath, as I fought against the current of victims claiming me as one of their own, I found nothing to be more horrifying than knowing that Castle was abandoning me. He still gripped my heart in his hands, but only held it in order to crush it. My final loathsome sight was to watch him turn away before the living dead pulled me under and began to claw away at me, basking in my fear, bathing in my despair._

When I woke the next morning, I found myself alone in a bed that once kept two of us together. My body ached and I couldn't speak for lack of oxygen. After my breath finally caught up to me, I launched away the covers and hurried to put on my robe which was hanging on the headboard behind me. It wasn't until I stood that my weakness made an appearance, but I worked through it and made it out into the den. I thought for sure he'd be in there writing as he had been since we'd gotten here the day before, but he wasn't.

I carried on into the kitchen, being certain that I didn't look as unsteady as I was, and found myself alone on this level as well. Judging by the time on the clock, Alexis would be in school, but Martha and Castle were MIA for the time being. Finally I found a note. It said, "_Kate, I'm with my publicist. I'll be back in a few, I just had to go in for a bit. Breakfast is in the fridge when you want it. -RC"_

I rolled my eyes and unloaded the small meal he'd made for me, which consisted of a strawberry smoothie and a chilled beagle which I warmed up. Weakly I sat myself down on the couch in the front room and took in as much of the food as I could. One half of a beagle, less than half a shake and a chapter of Mary Shelley's _Frankenstein _later, I was board out of my mind and wished I could find something else to do. Honestly, though, this was most often my life if I wasn't working. Reading and music was the basic makeup of my social life. I didn't do bars, I hated clubs when I wasn't with a guy and I couldn't stand TV for more than a few hours if I had a choice. Plus, even if I were in the mood for TV, that would mean getting up and moving into the screening room. That would mean I'd have to make the effort to get up and it just wasn't worth it.

Luckily Rick wasn't gone long. When he walked through the door and made his way toward me, I perked up. At the sight of my excitement, he smiled and mused, "Good morning, beautiful."

My smile brightened. "Hey, babe. How was the boring meeting?"

"Not as bad as I though it'd be. She just wanted to ask me about how I wanted to handle the situation with my Nikki Heat being shot in the chest. She thought it would be best that I let out a statement about it and I told her I wouldn't until I talked to you," Castle retold.

I told him, "I don't care if you put out a statement. Although I have no idea what kind of statement you'd put out there."

"Well, it wouldn't be in the news paper or anything, but a lot of people on the fan cite want to know how you're doing. She wants my permission to tell them all about the baby. And the keep them updated on how you're doing," Castle said as though it made him as uncomfortable as it was making me.

"Rick- I- I guess I don't care if you put a statement out about how I'm doing, but- I mean- I don't want to be plastered all over the news stands. I don't want to be a public face. No one needs to know that I'm pregnant and I don't want people to think I'm just another one of your passing girlfriends who just made the mistake of getting pregnant."

He laughed a bit and told me gently, "Kate, they know we're dating from the article that came out the day after that night in the warehouse parkinglot. And they know you're pregnant because it was in that article they posted about you when you were shot. That's why my publicist wants to put out a statement so badly."

I was shocked. "What? Wait, my pregnancy was in that article?"

He looked at me with confusion as though this was the most bizarre thing I'd ever said. "You didn't know that?"

I was instantly insulted and shocked that he didn't tell me himself. "No, Castle, of course I didn't know that. I've been stuck inside a hospital for the past week and I had zero interest in reading that article in the first place."

"It's not a bad thing, Kate. I mean, I guess I don't understand why you're upset about this," Rick retold me. He just couldn't see it. He didn't understand.

I explained, "Castle, I'm upset because someone shot at me. They tried to kill me. The less they know about me the better, and- I don't want you to become a target. I don't want the baby to become a target in nine months. I don't want you both to be in danger because I'm a moron!"

"Kate! You aren't a moron, alright? You aren't. You made a mistake, a justifiable, understandable, simple mistake." He told me, coming to my side on the couch and lifting my hand to hold his. I felt like I was being coddled. It was my fault, all of it was. Whether it was justifiable or not didn't make a difference. I got us all into this. No matter what, even if this were the extent of the repercussions, I was the reason this all happened.

I sighed and looked away from him, resting my head in my hand and refusing to look at him. I just stared into my lap, breathing and trying to steady my heart beat, which had hastened when I thought about what kind of mess I'd brought upon my innocent lover and unborn child. Without realizing I was talking out loud, Iwhispered gently, "I'm sorry."

Castle heavily breathed and tried to find my eyes. I avoided him. When I continued to stare into my lap he brought his hand off his lap and called to me, "Hey." I didn't look up. I couldn't look up. Slipping his finger upder my chin and attempting to make me look at him, he didn't speak until my eyes finally joined my face in his direction. The moment his eyes met mine, he could see the glassy affect that regret was giving My gaze. I looked into him as he looked into me and told me, "Kate, listen to me, everything is going to be alright. I'm not going to let anything happen to you or the baby. You are safe. Nothing is going to happen to any one of us. I swear."

"Castle, you can't know that," I said, pulling my head off his hand. There was no way he could know I wasn't going to get us all killed. I mean, we could all be shot at any moment. They could plant a bomb in the loft. They could stage a car wreck. They could kidnap us, beat us and leave us on the street. They could hang us, stab us, drown us or just flat out make us disappear. He couldn't know that we were safe. It was impossible.

He sighed. Instead of trying to comfort me, he said nothing. He then took notice of the food I'd not eaten. "Aren't you hungry?"

Knowing he was just changing the subject, I just shrugged. "Not really. Plus, I really didn't wanna push it and eat too much."

"Are you feeling any better after getting out of that stuffy hospital?" he politely asked to keep me occupied.

"A bit, I guess," I weakly answered. He didn't know what else to say, and he wasn't really up for talking. After a few moments of silence, he stood and started toward the kitchen.

As he approached the fridge, he said, "Your dad called, by the way. I told him I'd have you call him when I got home."

"Alright, thanks," I answered, defeatedly. I really wasn't paying attention.

He then pulled the banana from the counter top and asked, "Have you done your excersizes yet this morning?"

"No," I sighed, "I figured it'd be best that I had you to help me."

"Alright, well, if you're up for it, I'm here now."

"No, I- I'm kind of tired. I think I'm just going to go back to bed. I'll just do them when I wake up," I answered. He looked over at me and I could tell he saw that I was tired. But it was more than that. I was suddenly pulverized. I just simply gave up. I wanted sleep for escape, not rejuvenation.

I didn't know why at the time, but he offered, "Would you like me to join you?" Now I understand that he was only trying to support me the way I'd asked at the hospital. I'd asked him to be there for me, I told him that I needed to know he was alright and he offered me a way for that to be true this time. In hindsight it was sweet. In the moment, I was completely indifferent.

I didn't look at him, but stood up and told him, "I don't care. It's up to you." Without waiting for his answer, I walked away. He didn't follow me. He just let me walk away.

When I got back into the bedroom, I realized my body was coated in the thin layer of sweat. I chalked it up to last night's nightmare and decided it was best that I showered. After I finished, wearing only a towel wrapped around my head, I stepped out into the room. I wasn't shocked so much as taken aback by Rick sitting on the end of the bed. He looked at me, his eyes traveling up by body with casual speed and then looked away. I couldn't tell if it was best that I stay silent or that I speak, but I took a gamble and moved closer to him. Still completely undressed, I took the towel off my head, wrapped it around my body and sat down next to him on the bed. I thought I'd say something, but I didn't. I just continued to stare at the wall as though it were the vortex of swirling troubles and taunts. We looked into the wormhole and watched our security disappear, our stresses consume us, our lives fall to hell.

Eventually I fell back into the bed and crawled under the covers, not taking the time to get dressed. Castle joined me once my eyes were closed and I assume he thought I was asleep. His back was against the headboard, his mind was somewhere else, but his legs were right beside my body, his fingers gently circled my stomach. I was fairly certain he was under the impression I was asleep when he leaned down, brought his hand to my cheek and lightly kissed my forehead. I knew he thought I was asleep when he whispered, "I swear to you, Kate, I will find the man who did this to you. I will make sure he pays. I will make you safe again. I will keep you and the baby safe, no matter what."

Again, he laid a gentle kiss on the surface of my cheek and slipped down beside me. He nuzzled in closer to me, slipped his arm behind my neck and laid one hand on my stomach. Still being naked, I could feel every length of his skin against mind as he traced along my stomach. I never slept and neither did he. Eventually I curled up beside him and rested my chin on his chest. I held him while he held me, his hands dancing along different parts of my flesh. I adored every minute of it. I basked in every minute of him. I felt calm, even though all I could picture was the sight of him and me raising hell to track down the man who shot me, only to get ourselves killed and leave our daughter an orphan. I could see her, grown to be nineteen, flowing light brown hair, dazzling blue eyes glazed over by tears and pain, standing over our graves and swearing to find our killer the way I swore to find my mother's. It was such a clear image to me that it disturbed me. While I was in his arms, I worked through the pain and felt that it could be only a dream, but when he slipped away, I felt it all become real. I couldn't let him sacrifice himself. I couldn't let him die. I wouldn't let him die. I would stop him, somehow. I just had to figure out a way.


	14. Empty Bickering

"So, blue or green?" I asked Castle from the couch as he walked back into the living room with a cup of water. It had been two days since we got back and I still hadn't been able to convince him to give up his pursuit. The only thing I managed to do was keep him from working when I was still awake. But still being weak, I slept for about twelve hours out of every twenty four in odd bursts here and there. At this moment, I was up and energized, but it was about one A.M. Castle, on the other hand, looked exhausted. I tried to get him to go to bed, but he wouldn't. Instead, he started the debate on how we'd color our child's room.

He sighed as he came to sit down, handing me a drink and thinking. "Um, probably blue. I feel like if we used green it wouldn't be as much of a boy's room as it would be a unisex room."

"What's wrong with green?" I playfully ask.

He shrugged and leaned back, "Nothing is wrong with green, I just- my mother would insist upon the green being mint instead of like a hunter's green and Alexis' room was mint and peach colored."

"Aw, that's cute," I teased.

He answered, "Alexis had no chance of being anything but a girly girl with Meredith and my mother in her life."

"So if we were having a boy, you'd want him to be athletically inclined?" I asked with a grin, placing my glass on a coaster on the table.

Rick placed his behind him and said, "I wouldn't shun him if he wanted to dance ballet, I've just always wanted to raise a little hockey player."

"Hockey? You've wanted a toothless son all your life?" I questioned with a smirk. He gave me a playful face and I gave him a fierce grin, leaning in toward him and saying, "You could always find a healthy medium, Castle. He could be a figure skater."

"He'd be the biggest badass in figure skating that ever landed a triple lutz," Castle said, moving his leg off his lap so that I could lay in his arms. He took me in and I cuddled into his chest, staying quiet for a moment as I rested in his hold. His shirt was lightly scented with his unique smell which was the place I felt at home in. Nuzzling against him, I laced my fingers through his and played with his hand.

After a moment of childish nonsense basking in his presence, I asked, "So blue if it's a boy, what if it's a girl?"

He laughed, "I don't know. Anything but pink and mint."

"So, what? Yellow?"

He straightly answered, "Yes." I rolled my eyes with more amusement. He then asked, "So what if we have a girl now and then in a year or so we have a boy? Why not paint the room some neutral color?"

"Like mint?" I questioned with a gleam. He looked down at me with some kind of nonchalant irritation and I wispfully moved on. "Besides, Castle, why are we thinking of having another baby when this one was an accident and we aren't even married?"

"You've moved in, haven't you? And we're talking about how we're going to paint the nursery. I assumed I wasn't bringing anything up that you hadn't thought about at least once."

From here, I used my opening to talk about what I needed to get off my chest. In a more serious tone, I told him, "You're right. I mean, I've thought about it, I just- don't know how that's going to work. I mean, with you chasing this case so hard, I'm not really planning anything too far in advance."

"We're deciding on room colors before we even know if we're having a boy or a girl," Rick happily pointed out.

I rolled my eyes. "Castle, that's not the point, and you know it."

He sighed and agreed, adjusting in a way that let me know this was a conversation we needed to have while looking at each other. I sat up slowly and took in his stern visage, waiting until he formulated words. "I don't know what you want me to say, Kate. Do you want me to say I'll stop hunting the man who nearly murdered you and our child? Because I won't do it. I won't stop looking for him as long as I know you're in danger."

"Castle-."

"No, Kate. I don't want to do this right now. This isn't up for discussion. I can not just sit by, knowing you could be killed at any moment. You were lucky to survive the first shooting. You and the baby were both lucky to make it out of there alive and it's already caused so many complications in all of this. I mean, for goodness sake, you could die just because you don't want to give the baby up. The baby could have serious health problems because you weren't breathing and because you lost so much blood. I don't want to argue this with you because no matter what you say, you'll always be at risk and I'm still going to find the man who hurt man family and I'm going to put him in the ground. I'm going to make you safe again, Kate, with or without your approval."

The air went silent here. For a moment, not a sound was made, but still I could hear the sound of his words echoing through the empty space around us. I didn't speak. Not right away. I waited as long as I had to for the thudding in my chest to die down. By the time it did, I felt zero remorse in telling him, "You know you're just putting your name on the "To Die" list that whoever is behind this has at hand, right? You're just putting our child's future even further at risk. I mean, his mother is already a target. You're increasing the chances of him being orphaned. And, actually, you're giving them more of a reason to stage an accident. You're putting yourself at risk. You're putting Alexis and Martha at risk. And I know you think you're helping, but Castle, you're putting us further into harm's way."

"How?!" he viciously argued, "You've already been sniped. You're already at the top of their hit list. How am I making anything worse?"

Plainly I told him, "By upping the reward for killing us both. Look, I don't know what's going to happen. I'm not even sure I know why I'm alive. All I know is that if we back down, at very least for the time being, we aren't going to be a major blip on their radar. If we stop investigating, at least until the baby is born, we won't be one of their targets like we will be if you continue to push. And after everything I've already put our child through, I think she deserves to at least have two parents who put their wants aside and just- accept the fact that we can't put our lives on the line. She deserves to have parents that can move on and just- be normal. She deserves to have two parents, Rick, and at the rate we're going, she'll be lucky to have one of us."

Again, a response was nonexistent. He just simply stared into my eyes and I caught the icy shimmer glaze over his pale blue pools. The frozen gleam turned to emotionless indifference nearly the moment they began to show any hint of his true feelings. He shut me out. Instead of saying a word in disagreement, instead of trying to fight the point I'd made, he just looked into me and searched me, as I was much more opened to him for once in our lives. After a small hand full of seconds studying everything I had to offer in a single breath, he swallowed hard on the choice words he had floating around in his brain and shut his portals out completely. When his eyes opened again, his face had left mine and fallen off the the coffee table where my drink shed the tears he badly wished he could. Still, no words from him.

He rose a moment later, adjusting his shirt and ignoring me as I called up to his unhearing ear, "Rick, please, talk to me."

Eyes, still locked on anything that wasn't me, he muttered, "It's late and- I have a meeting with Gina tomorrow to discuss things for Heat Rises. I'm just going to head off to bed."

"Alright," I whispered, living on as my heart lay in a pile of crumbled mess. He once again closed his eyes, keeping his focus away from me and turned back toward me. He absently laid a gentle kiss to my temple and lingered a moment, looping my hair behind my ear with a gingerly longing ache. He only stayed connected to me for a short moment before he lifted himself away and vanished into the room we typically shared.

My head fell into my hands the moment he was gone and I chastised myself for being so harsh. He'd been nothing but kind and there was no reason for me to be so horribly rude. "No," I thought to myself, "You were only doing what was best for your child and for him." My mind waged war causing a splitting headache over whether I was pursuing a just cause or not. In the aftermath, I was left hallowed out. It was only minutes after Rick disappeared that I was ready to follow him, but I didn't want to do anything that could make this any worse. Instead, I pulled the blanket from the end of the couch over me and laid myself to sleep, unable to continue to cope with reality in a waking world. My dreamless rest came with little relief. Not even my subconscious mind wanted to deal with the reality surrounding my life in that moment. By the time I was woken up the next morning, however, I realized I wasn't alone in my frustration with Rick.

The first thing I heard that morning, the sound that scared me awake, was Alexis' shrill, "Are you kidding me?!"

I shot up to find myself looking at the sight of Castle by the door and Alex in the kitchen. Martha was sitting in the chair and I looked to her for answers, but all she did was look back at her son and granddaughter. Castle explained, "Alexis, this is something I have to do, alright. I don't have a choice."

"Yes you do. You have every choice in the world! You're choosing to put yourself in danger! You're choosing to make the exact same mistakes you were pissed off that Kate was making!" Ouch. I knew it was true even then, but it still stung.

Castle bickered, "This is different, Lex. This isn't just some obsession to finish this case. I'm trying to make sure that no one can get to any of you."

"And no one is coming after us! Right now, we're all fine! All you're doing is making yourself a target and dragging all of us down with you. If you were actually doing what you thought was best for any of us, you'd stop pursuing this! You'd let it go! All they wanted was to stop Beckett from coming after them and she has! But you-! You think you're keeping your "family" safe?! You're putting us in danger! You're going to get either yourself or one of us killed if you keep doing this and you don't even care!"

"I'm not going to get you killed!"

"Yes you are!" Alexis screamed, silencing him. "Dad, I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend like you're not being absolutely reckless! And I won't just sit around and watch you get yourself killed. You wouldn't want to do that with Kate and I refuse to do it with you. If you're going to keep doing this then- you'll have to get along without me. I'll just go- spend time with mom or up in the Hamptons with Ashley and some friends or something. I just- I won't watch you throw your life away." Castle was still silent. I thought about leaving and letting Alexis convince him of things I honestly couldn't. But I was unfortunately there long enough for Alexis to pull me in. "Kate, tell me you don't feel the same way."

I looked at her , guilt choking out words and knowing she was right. I then looked over at Castle. He looked like her was in pain. I knew what I opened my mouth, he already knew how I felt, so I finally told Alexis, "I- this isn't my fight, Lex."

"Oh, come on! You want him to stop just as much as I do! I wasn't deaf when you two argued last night!" I didn't say a word. Neither did Castle. Instead I just shrugged and looked at him, making sure he actually knew I was on her side without saying it aloud. The teenager backed my look with a, "See."

Rick then looked directly at me. "You want me to let the man who nearly killed you and our baby get away?"

"I want you to live long enough to be a father to our baby," she honestly answered. He sighed. I wrestled out of the blanket wrapped around my legs and stood up, making myself the third point of the triangle. "Castle, I get what you think you're doing is right, but- like Alexis said, when I was doing the same thing, you knew it was a mistake. You must know deep down that this is just as... irresponsible."

He shook his head and looked down at the floor. I didn't respond. Instead, I looked at his daughter. Alexis was still waiting for him to tell her he'd stop. She was still furious. Before she could say the words on her lips which I could tell were as fiery as her hair, I told Castle, "If you really want to protect us, if you really want to keep us out of harms way, then lets get out of here. Lets all just get out of the city. If you don't think we're safe, working to find my shooter isn't the answer."

"So, what, you just want to pick up and leave?" Castle asked, not even considering it as an option.

Alexis told him, "Sounds like a better idea that hunting a man who could kill you without even having to be within your sight."

"We can't leave," he firmly declared.

I questioned, "Why?"

"Well, for starters, you have doctor's appointments you have to make."

"And there are doctors in the Hamptons," Alexis said before I had the chance.

He scoffed, "Half rate doctors who couldn't tell your heart from your lungs."

"Actually, Castle, most people would much rather die with a beach view than a city view, so there are a lot of terminal patients in the Hamptons. There are more highly certified cardiologists there than in Manhattan." I couldn't help but correct him.

"And OBs?"

"I'm sure there are plenty," I told him.

He thought and found, "What about your summer, Alexis? Do you really want to spend it sitting on a beach with your dad and his girlfriend?"

"At least we would all be alive," Alexis straightly told him. "Besides, Ashley's going to the Hamptons with his parents for most of the summer anyway and I'm sure I can find something to do. If it keeps you from working the case, I'll do anything."

He sighed. I don't think he knew what to think or how to react. I didn't know what to tell him; I didn't know how to help. All I could do was stand there, silently begging him to just give up the way we all clearly knew he should. As he avoided eye contact with any of us, he didn't give any sign that he would give up or give in. All I could think about was how absolutely ridiculous he was being when he'd told me within the last two weeks that working this case was moronic. I knew why I wouldn't give up, but I couldn't understand why he wouldn't. Finally he said, "We aren't leaving. We don't need to. I just- I need to work some things out. I have to go talk about the book anyway, so, just-. I'll be back in a while."

I'd never seen him this way. He was so beaten down, so upset. It was like someone had just scolded him for an hour instead of simply pleading with him to stop being so careless with his own life. He disappeared before any of us thought of a reason for him to say. There was no goodbye. There was no satisfaction from this ending. He just simply hung his head and vanished, leaving the dispute to hang above us all.

Alexis looked so completely furious. I thought about saying something to her, but found myself forgetting how to speak. Eventually she disappeared into her room as well. I toppled onto the couch with a mound of guilt on my chest so heavy that I could barely breathe. If I hadn't been so stupid, if I had just dropped this case like I knew i should, I would be fine. I could be at the precinct right now, working some other case. I could be completely fine without a bullet hole in my heart. I could be happy. He could be happy. He could be that- childish, giddy, sarcastic free spirit that I fell so madly in love with. He could be- Castle. Alexis could be a normal kid. Martha and she wouldn't have to be worrying about Rick. God, I was so terrible. I was such an idiot. Why couldn't I just get over this?

"Katherine," Martha said, taking a seat beside me, putting her hand on the curved part of my middle back, "He'll be alright. He'll work this out. He's stubborn, but he's not unreasonable." I sighed and looked up at her. She was being so sincere, so kind and- I was just too exhausted to even comprehend. I think she understood because she changed the subject easily. "You look like you're exhausted, darling, and I can't imagine this couch gave you much of a good night's rest and you need your sleep. Why don't you head off to bed. Richard won't be back for another few hours at the earliest and you should get some sleep while you still can." I let an airy laugh and followed her instructions. I just wished I could know what on earth was going through his head.


	15. His Side

I didn't know what to think or how to react to what Kate and Alexis had told me. I thought I was doing the right thing, but- if it was causing them both this much pain, I couldn't have been right about this. I mean, if I was actually doing what was best, I probably shouldn't feel this guilty about it. Then again, half of my reasoning for feeling so ashamed was because I wasn't able to save Kate. I should have reacted faster, I should have been able to keep her from being shot in the first place. I should have been able to keep the mother of my unborn child safe. I- I failed her. Again.

Now, not only was I failing her, but I was dragging my daughter in to all of this. When I started with this, I hadn't really thought about how this was going to affect her, and I guess I should have, but- I never imagined she'd snap at me. I guess it could just simply be that she didn't understand why I was going at this so hard when Beckett was begging me to stop, but- they were my family too. I had to protect them, right?

I mean, I guess I thought I was protecting them, but- now all I'm doing is making an injured pregnant woman sleep on the couch and causing tension in a house that should be serene. But what was I supposed to do? Drop the case? Let the man who wounded my wife and could still end up causing her death and or the death of our child get away with it? That wasn't who I was, that wasn't- right. Then again, Kate said she'd rather wait on the case until the baby was born. And that wouldn't be a bad thing, would it?

"You know how cold cases work, Castle. The more time that passes after a crime is committed, the more likely it is that the trail will run cold," Kate's voiced sounded in my head, for some odd reason.

Then, I argued against her, which was essentially myself, "Yeah, but you were willing to wait. So why wasn't I?"

I could hear her laughing at me as though the question were moronic. Her kind laughter died down and she finally said, "Didn't I make it obvious in the hospital that I was willing to die for our child? Why on earth would I not be willing to just put the case in hibernation for a few months in order to ensure that the baby wasn't being abused every time they took a shot at me?"

"And what if they go after him once he's born?" I asked. "We need this to end now so that we aren't bringing him into a world where he could be killed to get back at us."

"Rick," she cooed, "Stop. You know deep down that so long as I'm not working this, so long as I'm not really a threat, they won't be coming after me. So why then are you so willing to let them come after you?" This question hung in the air as I was thrown off balance by a halting subway car. The entire walk to Gina's office took me only a few minutes, but it was long enough to give me time to focus elsewhere. Still, when I took a seat in her waiting area while she finished with another client, Beckett's voice reentered the room. "So, why?"

My mind avoided the subject by thinking about this on roads that I'd closed off a long time ago. The reasoning behind them fell to pieces, but stalled me long enough to get to a point where Gina was greeting me. My ex-wife, looking as scandalous as ever, smiled at me with her brightly stained lips that matched perfectly the redness of her blouse. "Richard. How is Kate doing?"

I sighed, "She's... better. Can we just skip the casualties and get down to business? I need to get home." With confusion, Gina nodded and guided me into her office.

She asked me to verify that I was free to work the tour schedule she'd made up and asked me to sign a few legal forms before jumping to the point she wanted to get to. "We're going to start production soon, so I'm going to need you to decide on your revised dedication and... For the section where it says "information about the author", I'll need you to verify that the biography our girl typed up is what you want it to be."

"Isn't it just the typical extension on, 'Richard Castle lives in Manhattan with his only daughter,'?"

"Aside from the word _only_. That's why we wanted you to read if. Since we'll be changing it by the time the next book comes out, it now says, 'Richard Castle lives in Manhattan with his eldest daughter and the inspiration behind Nikki Heat, Detective Katherine Beckett. He and she are expecting a baby this winter."

"Oh, right. I forgot Beckett agreed to that before her shooting," I answered, suddenly fearing how that might read. Instead, I told her, "Look, forward it to me in an email and let me talk to Kate about it. I'll send you a revise by this evening, but- something's come up and it might be best that we keep certain things out of the publishing circuit."

She looked at me with sudden concern when I expected irritation and caught me off guard. "Is everything alright? You and Kate aren't having issues, are you? I mean, she's into her second month of pregnancy and sometimes that can be the worst month. A lot of hormones and nausea and stress and-."

"We're fine, Gina. She's fine. It's not hormones, it's- something else. I don't know that Kate's going to want the fact that she's living with me to be public after her shooting. That's all." The half lie passed her inspection. She agreed to the extension, but made me swear up and down that the dedication and bio would be in her inbox by four o'clock so that she wouldn't miss her five o'clock deadline for the day. I agreed and left.

When I got back onto the sidewalk, I purposefully skipped my terminal for the subway and continued down the road toward my bar. Luckily, Black Swan was located just a few blocks from the Old Haunt, and I needed to clear my mind.

Right as I walked through the door, the familiar aroma of booze and must filled me with serenity. I didn't order anything, though my bartender asked me if I wanted anything. I wasn't looking for the off switch to my frontal lobe, I was just trying to get a little peace.

All I could think about was how much I wanted this stupid case to just be over. I needed this case to be over. I just- couldn't keep going like this. It was impossible. I couldn't, Kate couldn't, Alexis couldn't. None of us could. Without touching a single ounce of alcohol, I slipped in and slid out within minutes as a text came in from my mother. She never texted me, which made this bizarre, and the biggest point of of confusion was her message. _"Come home, your daughter is pacing and Katherine is waiting." _All I could think was, "When did you start getting into my arguments like this, mother?"_  
_

Once I got home, it had been nearly four hours since our fight and Alexis still looked mad as hell, which was something I couldn't understand. She never lashed out at me like this. Even when she thought I was being the biggest moron on the face of the Earth, she didn't scream at me. She came into my room with a prepared prosecution and teary, crushed puppy dog eyes, piercing my heart with her every word. She didn't lash out. It wasn't like her.

Kate, on the other hand, did lash out. Which was why I couldn't understand how completely calm she was. When I walked in and found her sitting on the bar stool with a half eaten sandwich and a mug of something that looked like coffee, I was completely confounded by her irrational calmness. She looked up at me, then over at my daughter quick enough to interrupt her first thought. "How was the meeting?" Kate asked with a hesitance to say anything that would open up the fresh wounds.

I looked at her without showing any kind of tell and answered, "We'll have to talk about something once we're done here." She nodded with indifference and understanding.

Alexis then put in a calm, "Did you think about what we... talked about?"

I sighed. "Lex, I understand your concern, but this is really something I need to talk over with Kate alone." She looked at Kate, who seemed uncomfortable with this, and Kate looked back. Alexis then rolled her eyes and left, fulfilling the typical teenaged stereotype that she never embodied. My mother accepted this as well and followed my daughter up the stairs. Looking at her, looking at how upset and reluctant she was, I held out my hand to her and suggested, "Shall we take this where eves droppers can't hear us?"

She rolled her eyes the way she always did, chasing it down with a self deprecating laugh and followed me. As willing as she was to follow, she never took my hand. I followed her toward our bedroom and closed both doors on our way there. Once inside, she asked, "What are we doing here, Castle?"

I looked into to her hopeless, lifeless hazel eyes and sighed, explaining, "I can't stop looking into this case."

She put her head in her hands and sat down on the end of the bed. Then, being as calm as she was trying to be, she dragged her palms over her cheeks and chin and honestly, sincerely asked, "Alright... Why?"

"Because I'm just as much to blame for your shooting as you are," I honestly stated. Her face was immediately puzzled.

"What? Castle, I'm the one who continued with the case even after you begged me not to. All of this, the shooting, Montgomery's death, our baby's near death experience, was all my fault. There is no way any of it could be on you."

"I'm the one who pushed you to look into the case, Kate. If I had just respected your wishes when you asked me to stop the first time, you wouldn't have been digging into this at all. You wouldn't have been shot, Montgomery would still be alive and-."

"And you didn't know any of this when you started looking into it, Castle."

"Yeah," I answered, "But it doesn't change the fact that it's completely true."

She laughed in less amusement and more confusion and stood up. "Is that why you're going at this so hard? Because you think any of this is your fault?"

"Kate, it's entirely my fault. Yes, that is why I'm going at this so hard."

"No, Castle, it's not." She looked at me with compassion and came closer, grabbing my hands and holding them as low as she could. "It's not your fault. Not in any way. I would have gone back to that case one way or another. You- got me a lead. You kept me from running down the rabbit hole deeper than I should. You- you aren't to blame for this, Rick. By helping, you- only made me start falling in love with you."

"Kate," I tried to find words. She cut me off, putting her thumb over my lips and looking down at them.

Her words cushioned against me. "You have nothing to feel guilty about, Castle. Nothing, okay? You don't have to make up for anything. You don't have a penance to pay. There wasn't anything you did wrong that could put any kind of blame on you for anything that happened. There is nothing about this that I would have wished that you'd done differently." She paused to ensure I'd get the message. Then, "Like I said, everything you did made me love you more, alright?"

I nodded, removed her hand from my lips and told her, "I love you too." She smiled feverishly and brought her lips to mine with a playfulness I thought I'd never see in her again.

Then, just stepping inside character, she let the tease stand and questioned, "So does this mean you're done working this case?"

I thought on this a moment before smiling back at her and brushing the stray hairs away from her face. "Do I even have a choice?"

"No," she simply answered, shaking her head. "If you wouldn't do so willingly, I'd eventually just chain you to the bed."

My eye brows immediately reacted. "Ooo, Detective Beckett. I'd finally get to see you put those handcuffs to good used." Right then, she bit back her lips and scolded me with a look that mused me deeply.

She then took the initiative, leaning in so that her breath blew against the lobes of my ears as she answered, "Someday." In that moment, I remembered how weak her heart was and how her doctor had asked that she don't engage in any strenuous activity.

My pleasure grew as I lifted her off the floor and carried her to the bed, explaining, "No sex doesn't mean no fun." She giggled her wild glee into the air and I was happy to settle for the simple teenage fun that was the extent of her capabilities. Underwear on, shirts off, easy, thrilling, juicy make out session. I was just thrilled to be close to her again. I was thrilled that things were getting back to normal and that she was healing. When I remembered, somewhere along the lines, that the embodiment of our love was growing inside her, my lips trailed down and grazed her flesh with a tender caress. That, right then and there, was everything I could have ever needed from her and more. It was perfect. She was perfect.


	16. Developments

"So, girl, how is my nephew doing?" Lanie asked as she sat on the couch with me. I'd been cooped up in the loft for about a month (meaning I was ten and a half weeks along) now and I was finally cleared to go out into the world again (meaning off of bed rest for a bit), so my first day out was a night in at Lanie's apartment. My moodiness hadn't been as bad as they were expecting. Apparently both Martha and Meredith had had extreme mood swings with panic and fear and thrill and sometimes even anger while I often just got a bit nervous or on edge. The nausea had cleared up to just nausea and no vomiting some time within the last few weeks.

Although I'd insisted on this a few times already when she'd come to the loft, I parroted, "We don't know if it's a boy or a girl yet, Lanie."

"Yeah I know. But you could know within four or five weeks!" Lanie cheerfully announced.

Being the eternal buzz kill I was, I told her, "And there's a chance we won't know for another ten weeks."

"Ugh, come on, girl, just theorize with me for a minute. I'm sure your kid won't hold it against you," the M.E whined.

I hesitated, bit my lip and eventually answered to her impatient look. "I kind of think it's a girl." Her face brightened and without having to ask, I explained, "I don't know, I just- every time Castle and I are sitting in the front room and I'm curled up next to him on the couch, I can picture her sitting on the floor in front of us, playing with her toys and smiling with that giddy glee that Castle gets when he's working a case."

"His eyes?" Lanie questioned with a massive grin.

"And his mesmerizing smile," I beamed. I didn't even realize I was being so girly with this massive grin on my face that I couldn't control. But to be honest, I didn't really care. I just- I couldn't. It was so early into a very risky pregnancy and I was already so in love with just the simple thought of her. I hadn't heard it yet in anything but a dream, but I could still hear the sound of her laughter. She was absolutely perfect in my mind. There was nothing I could do to keep myself from falling head over heals for this little angel that I hadn't met yet.

Lanie could see it. She could see my excitement and glee every time we talked about the baby. Still, I think half the reason she asked about the pregnancy was because she needed to remind herself of why I was so willing to put my life on the line for a fetus. It wasn't something she understood yet. She supported me, but she didn't fully understand. Esposito was much the same way, but Ryan got it and supported my decision. They were actually all very supportive. Everyone understood aside from my dad.

He didn't understand. I loved him and he was doing his best but it was hard to be around him and know that he disagreed with what I was doing. Castle tried to explain it to me by telling me how he never really felt that parental, eternal, unconditional love for Alexis until he held her for the first time and her tiny fingers wrapped around his index finger. He knew that sometimes men didn't understand the fact that women were often thinking like mothers the moment they found out they were pregnant. Sure, being able to hold your baby in your arms solidified that eternal mothering bond, but women feel that before the baby is even born. Castle tried to tell me that was why my father didn't get why I was so willing to risk it all for the baby, but- I still struggled with him.

He, however, was not the most challenging of those I'd been visited by. After going to the hospital for a check up just a day ago, Josh found me in the hallway and stopped me for a little chat. He asked me how I was doing and, being a doctor, asked me how my recuperation was coming along. Because I could see him dancing around the topic, I told him, "The pregnancy is slowing things down a bit, but aside from that, the baby and I are alright."

This earned me a look. His eyebrow cocked before he looked away and then found the courage to ask, "How- far along are you?"

"Ten weeks," I answered mildly, implying the "_not__ far enough along for the baby to be yours"_ portion.

He nodded and swallowed, looking up and asking, "You sure?"

I pulled in my lips, trying not to throw out irrational whims and thought on this a moment. Finally, I drew in a breath and told him, "Josh, this baby is Rick's baby. I know it is. And I understand if you're hesitant to believe me or even if you want a paternity test once she's born, but- there's really no point. Castle is my child's father in every sense of the term."

He batted his eyes in thought and nodded. Then, looking at me with a gentleness that had originally made me swoon for him and now just filled me with pity, he replied, "I don't need a pregnancy test, Kate. I mean, they'd be able to tell the difference between the baby being ten weeks old along and thirteen weeks along. I believe you when you say it's his."

Right as I nodded back to him in appreciation, Rick rounded a corner and called after me from behind Josh. Both of us turned to look at him, and when he saw who it was and that I wasn't being bothered really, he turned around and gave us a moment. There was nothing really left to saw, so he and I split apart and I made my way to the man I truly loved. The moment I was outside of Josh's view and standing in front of Rick, I smiled a half smile that brought him to me with opened arms. He didn't have to ask for me to offer up, "He believed me when I told him the baby was yours."

Rick nodded into the hug and laid his lips on the side of my head before saying innocently, "Come on, Kate. Let's go home."

It hadn't occurred to me then, but- now I can honestly say I'd never felt more at home than I did when I was at Rick's loft with him. Martha was very welcoming and now that Alexis had cooled off, she and I had had time to adjust a bit and talk as though we weren't basic strangers. I got to see Rick be a father in good time and in bad. I was able to finally understand what living with Martha Rodgers fully entailed, bringing to a whole new light how much of a miracle it was that Rick wasn't more flamboyant (Thank God he went to boarding schools). Castle certainly enjoyed making plans for the future in many different ways, including plans for the nursery and lists of baby names and asking me dumb questions that I hadn't thought about such as "Barney or Sesame Street?". It was funny to me.

Tonight, however, was a different topic entirely. As he and I laid in bed together alone while he read a chapter of _The Great Gatsy _to me, he ended a paragraph and paused, putting the book down before asking, "Are you happy, Kate?"

I immediately looked up to him, unable to see his face and taking measures to move off his chest. When I finally got a peak into those sapphire crystal balls of his, I answered, "Of course I am, Castle. Unbelievably so."

He swallowed without reacting to my words at all. "I mean, are you happy here, in this house, with me and my mother and Alexis."

"Absolutely," I calmly replied, questioning, "Why are you asking?"

"Because I've been thinking about all of this; I've been thinking about you and me and- how right this feels and- I don't want to bring a baby into the world without being married to you." He looked so completely in need to hear the same thing from me, but- I was completely blindsided and reacted like a deer in the headlights.

All I could manage before being choked out was, "Castle, I-." My mind raced to find answers, but came up empty. I didn't know what to think or how to react. I didn't know whether to be completely honest about wanting to wait or whether to follow the spontaneous part of myself that screamed "Do it, Kate! Do it!". I was... lost; I was... confused.

Thank God he finally followed, "I know it's really soon and- I'm willing to wait if that's what you want, but- I've never felt so strongly about wanting anything before in my life. I won't push you. I'm not asking right this minute, but- I want you to know that I love you more than anything in the world."

Words didn't come to mind. I was fresh out of words. The English language flew out the window for me. The only way I could think to react was by laying my hand along his clenched cheek, feeling it soften beneath my finger tips as he looked back at me. As my thumb grazed his peach lips, I stared at them a moment before I was suddenly centered and brought back to rationality. Looking back into him, I made sure to accent my words as I declared, "I love you, Rick. So much."

He didn't smile. He just closed his eyes as though this statement hummed relief to his core. As he released the reserved parts he'd kept away, his eyes split open and found mine only soon enough for me to be drawn to his lips magnetically. With a gentleness about every movement, we waltzed with each other step by step until his arms were around the small of my back. Cradled in his arms, I couldn't resist him as he laid my back against the bed and continued to ease along my lips.

Once he was over me, his arms slid out from beneath me a curved along the sides of my shirt, which had become tighter as my body adjusted to housing another human, I'm not sure it was conscious, but his thumbs grazed the end of my shirt until it lifted and he let loose the bare skin beneath it. His focus then changed from my lips to my stomach as he tenderly rested spots of electricity along my stomach, filling my heart with desire more than ever. After a moment, he came back up, caressing the neckline of my shirt and marking my swollen breasts with a soothing embrace. Feeling myself be stimulated, I laced my finger under his chin and directed him back to my lips.

While he couldn't see what I was doing, I slowly unhooked the front of my bra before moving my hands around him. He moaned as I found the soft spot on his back that I knew all too well constantly got a response. Smiling into another kiss, my hand tracked down the end of his shirt and began to slither up his spine to rib him of the useless cloth. Once it was gone, I was able to repay him by clinging to him as I trailed down his chest and relearned every muscle of his body. My lips worked half as fast as my hands, but I eventually tossed away his shorts after flipping him over and feeling him rise.

My hands worked for only a moment as he laid in nothing before his slid under my shirt and beneath the strap of the barely fitting bra I wore. My body, still pressed against him, snaked up to be raised predominately above him while I teased at the loss of my shirt. Once let loose, the opened bra had nothing to hold it together and it quickly fell off as well. He found just as much pleasure in this sight, and his hands came along my sides, finishing their journey just beneath the spot where my under wire rested. I fell back down to him and allowing him to turn the tables once more and paint the newly delivered surfaces. He played at the top band of my short, but we'd agreed it was best that I leave them on a while so as not to tempt the things our animal nature demanded.

After his lips grazed the heated flesh of my neck, however, he mumbled, "Your heart is racing."

I hummed, "It's fine, Castle, I'm fine."

"No," he said, having a heavy set of breaths, "No, I- don't want to push it." In order to persuade him, my hand traveled beneath the line of no return and clutched at my point of yearning. He responded, body then words, "Kate, the- baby. Think about the baby." His breath radiating against my skin, it was hard to think about anything. Still, I knew he was right. I nodded and he instantly tumbled off of me, falling to the bed in a heap of disappointment and exhaustion. I then looked back at him and thought about how good he'd been to me over the past few weeks. Seeing all of him in the state he was in, I decided to repay him. Sitting back up and straddling the lower parts of him, I was questioned, "What are you doing."

I smiled his way with fiery instinct. "Finishing you."


	17. Homeward Bound

After a few more weeks, I was anxious to get out of the house. Ryan and Esposito had told me that our new captain had made her first appearance in the precinct and, judging from their introduction, I felt the need to meet her. Sure, I was on bed rest without strenuous activity until the baby was born, but what could be the harm in going in, meeting her, saying hello and offering to help with desk work? I mean, I was going crazy having nothing to do and I didn't want to just sit around for the rest of this pregnancy. It wasn't good for either me or the baby. At least if I were at the precinct, I could move around more and feel slightly useful.

Rick, being who he was, offered to come along as moral support and meet Captain Victoria Gates in hopes he could get off on the right foot with her. I cautioned him that those from IA weren't easily won over, but he just brushed it off with amusement. I pulled on a loose shirt that (for the time being) hit the small portion of my stomach that had begun to show. I was thirteen weeks in, which was relatively early for a first time mother to be showing, but it wasn't anything noticeable unless you were looking for it. When I first started to show, however, Castle noticed before I did. I'd been expecting it, but not looking for it. He had been studying that portion of my body for weeks with excitement over it. I was just annoyed that I now had to wear low waist-ed jeans to be any kind of comfortable.

In heels that he swore I would soon have to shelf, I made my way through the lobby doors as Rick held them open for me. The officer at the front desk in the oddly empty area immediately greeted me. "Detective Beckett, I didn't expect to see you around here. How's recovery coming along?"

"Not to bad. A bit boring, but I can't complain."

To this, Castle came toddling behind and told the man, "She can complain, she just saves it for me." He earned the glare I shot his direction.

Officer McAuley laughed at the writer and told us, "Good luck!" as we boarded the elevator.

In unison, Castle and I both replied, "Thanks," as the doors began to close. Rick leaned in and hit the button that would bring us up to the bullpen of the twelfth. As the elevator rose, so did my nerves about meeting this woman. She could either see in me one of two things. She could see the determination and strength in me that Captain Montgomery saw in me the first time I met him while I worked my mother's case, or she could see me as the woman who was foolish enough to fall into a spiral and get herself shot. Then again, she could also see me as the weak young girl who fell in love with the charming writer who forced his way onto her squad and was foolish enough to get herself pregnant. One of these would define who I was to her. At least until she got to know me, I would be one of these people to her, and my luck wasn't good enough to hope for the first.

When the doors split opened, Rick took one step toward the door and brushed my shoulder, slightly off setting my balance and pulling me from the alternate would where the demons of concern and fear had chained me down. My mind refocused on where I was and why we were here and I looked up at him to find his eyes. Once I was calm again, A smile crept along my lips and he held out his hand to help me into the precinct. I took his gesture as he guided me off the closing elevator car and then brought the hold down to the side of my body as I led him toward my desk. Another step in and I was instantly recognized.

The bullpen erupted in applause when I stepped into their view. Ryan and Esposito had been sitting at their desks, talking about something I was clueless about, and were more shocked than anyone to see me. I blushed a bit, thanking them all and trying not to call any more attention to myself. I moved toward my desk by force of habit and when I realized I was passing the boys, I made a slight change in direction and went straight to their desk, the whole time thanking those who were giving me the warm welcome. When I reached Ryan and Espo, the clapping died down and I was able to rid myself of the mildly painful massive smile I'd put on my lips. Javi stated, "Couldn't stay away, could you?"

I scoffed. "Please. I just came here to make sure you two hadn't destroyed this place."

"Sure," Espo answered.

Ryan then more politely asked, "What are you actually doing here?"

Castle explained, "Meeting this I.A hard ass we've heard so much about."

"That explains why she's here, but why are you here?" Ryan asked.

Rick was confused. "Because I want to get on her good side. She's kind of my boss too."

Espo quipped, "Castle, you really think someone from I.A is going to let you come in here and work with your girlfriend? It ain't happening, bro."

"What? Why? Montgomery let me stay."

"Yeah, but Montgomery wasn't Gates," Espo emphasized, "He didn't hate cops."

I interjected, "I'm sure she doesn't hate cops. She's probably just making sure none of you try to question her authority."

Espo's brow furrowed. "I doubt it." Ryan had the same expression written all over his face. Thinking about it, I couldn't help but get this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach that told me they were probably right. There was no way in hell a new captain who didn't know either me or Rick would let him continue to work in the precinct. Even if she did though, I hadn't thought about whether him continuing to work with me was for the best or not. I mean, did I really want to raise a kid who had two parents put their lives on the line all the time? No. Probably not. But, did I really want to stop working with Rick? Again, no. Ugh. Problems. Javi then told us, "If you're looking for the she devil, she'd in her office."

I nodded to him, looked over toward the glass encased room where Roy once resided over all of us. I could see him in my memory watching over the precinct. His guiding hand helped me become what I was today. He gave me everything I had: my job, the ability to forget and move on from the past, my lover, my future child- my life. He was the reason I was alive. There was a small piece of my subconscious that told me, "Whoever this woman is, she will never be as good as him."

When we arrived at her door, I knocked on the glass and she didn't bother looking up before waving one hand and saying, "Come in." I pulled the handle and Castle insisted I walk in ahead of him as he held the door. Still having not seen me, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want."

I answered, "Detective Beckett." Immediate recognition as she looked up at me with wonder. "I just wanted to stop by and introduce myself and offer a hand if you need me on some kind of desk work or something."

"Detective Beckett?" she ashed for confirmation. I nodded. Her hand extended and I shook it with the same firmness she gave me. "And this is?"

"Richard Castle," he answered, extending his hand.

Hers dropped as she leaned on it in order to prop herself up. "Mr. Castle, the writer who weaseled his way onto the most successful team and decided to play cop for three years. Yes, I've heard all about you."

"Ah, well, I like to think of myself as Richard Castle, the writer who has helped the NYPD on numerous cases, kept an innocent man from taking the fall for a serial killer and disassembled a bomb, saving half of New York City and fighting the good fight with honorable detectives."

She smiled sinister-ly, " Yes, well, it's all about point-of-view, I guess."

I changed topics. "So, I hope no one has given you too hard of a time here."

This time more kindly, she smiled and answered, "They're a closely knit group out there. Even for cops."

"Yeah," I told her, wanting to say, "_Montgomery made sure of that_," but not doing so.

"They're missing their leaders," she said, not trying to hide the _"s" _that would suggest it was more than Montgomery they're missing. She then got back to business in order to not duel on the subject, "As far as your desk work goes, I'd need documentation from your doctors and a psychologist that you are well enough to do so, and you would have to understand and obey the confines of your allowances."

"Of course, I understand. I just need to do something to get out of the house."

She smiled, "Well, we'd love to have you come back and lead your squad again. Like I said, they need a familiar face to lead and those two out there aren't filling the whole as much as I'd like."

Looking out at the boys who were trying not to watch but peeking over their shoulders, I got the feeling they weren't really trying to "fill the gap". Rick then told her, "She's not easily replaced," with the smile of a school boy.

Gate then agreed with, "Clearly." The air then cleared for a moment and Gates asked, "Is there anything else you came to talk about?"

"No," I answered. "Just came to offer the hand."

"Alright, well, it was very nice meeting you, detective. I look forward to having you in my precinct," the woman responded, dismissing us without saying a word to Rick. We both got the gist of what she meant by this. I was welcome back; he was not. Rick and I slipped out right then and went directly back to the boys.

The second we got there, Castle told the boys, "You were right. She's a hard ass."

"Told you so," Espo gloated.

"I don't think I'm getting back in on charm," Castle pouted.

Ryan then replied, "Oh, come on bro. Did you really want back? You're expecting a baby. Don't you want to stay home and play Mr. Mom?"

Rick shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. But- that only really lasts until school starts up. Then I'll be back to being stuck at home with nothing to do but write and mess around."

"Gee, Castle, how did you survive?" I teased. He didn't respond. "You know, you own a bar now. In five years, which is a long time from now, you could always go be your own bartender if you so desired."

He perked up a bit, "Yeah. That's true. And I could play Mr. Mom after school and stuff." He started smiling a bit more.

In response, I shared a bit of a grin before reminding him, "I wouldn't worry too much about it, though. I mean, we don't even know the baby's gender."

"When will you guys find out?" Ryan asked with extreme interest.

To my half displeasure, Castle placed his hands on the small of my back and my barely noticeably distended stomach and replied, "Hopefully within a month. The doctor said they generally wait until it's about eighteen weeks in, but- then again, they said Kate wouldn't show until she was closer to sixteen weeks, and... that's proven to be incorrect."

"You're already showing?" Ryan asked, having not had the ability to look at my stomach the way Castle had.

After releasing the hold on the glare I'd shot into Rick's skull, I answered him flat out, "Barely, but yes. It doesn't mean anything though."

"What if it's twins?" Esposito asked with both child-like teasing and minor seriousness.

Rick and I stated together in a flat and severe tone, "It's not twins." This brought down Esposito's giddiness as he seemed confused as to why we were so suddenly insistent. We, on the other hand, had asked the same question and gotten an answer much more frightening. When we asked because my hormones were above the normal levels and I was showing rather quickly, they told us truthfully that were it twins, there would be little to no chance that my heart would survive it. The twins might be fine, but the strain in carrying multiples in regular women had been known to weaken them substantially. It was part of the reason most had C-sections by medical induction. Having twins, or God forbid more than two, would be a basic death sentence for me.

Ryan quickly cleared the air, asking, "How are things at the loft?"

"Good. You all should come by some time. Bring Jenny along. We could make a night out of it," Castle offered with a recovered gleam in his eye.

Esposito asked, "Who all is "you all"?"

"Lanie, you two and Jenny. Duh," Castle quipped.

"Oh. Kay, cool," Javi smoothly answered. After rolling my eyes, Rick and I let the boys get back to work and slipped away after I grabbed a couple of things from my desk. With that, we slid out onto the road and walked the city, hand in hand, laughing the way normal couples got to and leaving our cares behind us. He and I took the subway to Central Park and spent the afternoon talking about nonsense and watching kites fly in the late summer's breeze. He bought us some food from a street vendor and we sat on the bench staring at the world around us and forgetting that there was a life playing out around us that should be more than mildly concerning. Rick gave me a tour of area where he took Alexis when she was younger: ponds for ducks, fields for soccer, playgrounds and benches where he could bring her so that she could interact with the dogs friendly people would bring along. Looking back, he admitted that now some of those ideas would be somewhat reckless, but- he couldn't help letting her branch out. He loved the joy she felt and shared every time she got the opportunity to pet a stranger's mutt. Plus,he was a decently fit, taller-than-most man. He could probably take anyone who tried to even look at Alexis cross eyed.

Once he finished. he brought the conversation full circle and went back to thinking about the future. "So, five years from now, when the baby's getting ready to start school, where are we?"

I looked up at him, pulling my head off his shoulder and sitting up higher on the bench. Smiling and lightheartedly, I answered, "Well, probably still in New York. Hopefully Manhattan assuming Gates doesn't ship me off to another precinct."

"Kate, come on. You know what I mean," Castle played.

My smile waned for a moment and I took in a settling breath before biting my lip and answering, "I don't know, Rick. I mean, I love you, but- We've been dating for less than six months. If you're asking me to make a life altering, supposedly eternal decision to marry a man who's been divorced twice, no matter how much I absolutely adore him, I'm not ready yet. I'm- I- I want you to be involved with the baby and I don't want to raise him or her in two household, but- really, I don't know what's next for us. I don't. I just- I'm enjoying the ride. Is that so bad?"

He smiled at me, mindfully knowing that I wasn't the type to rush into a massive commitment. As I told him, I was a one-and-done kind of girl. For that reason, he didn't push, but I could see that he wanted to continue to talk about it. Still, he let it go and pulled me back to him, where I happily rested in him, taking in the feel of his arm over my shoulder, his hand on my stomach where I held it and the feeling of his shoulders moving as he breathed.

Out in the open, I was able to breath and relax unlike in his loft where there were moment where I felt like I was suffocating. I unintentionally latched onto the sight before me; a busy playground with children running around, swings set off to the side, trees shading the region below, winds to our backs, daylight playing with the newly leveled grass, all of it becoming a sight that shut away my fears and pain. After the sun began to set and the children dispersed, Rick guided me to the swings and we sat there a while longer, talking peacefully and bathing in the sweet reprieve. It was like I belonged there, like this spot was somewhere I'd never forget. To this day I can still see that evening play on as Rick captured every moment and made it a new magical creation without putting forth any kind of conscious effort. It was perfection, it was honest,, kind, simple perfection, the kind I will never forget.


	18. Fears

"Castle, don't worry about it, I'm fine," I told him through the phone which was tucked between my shoulder and my cheek.

He reluctantly checked, "Are you sure you'll be alright?"

"It's two days, Rick. What's the worst that could happen?" I asked, handing the clipboard over to the woman at the front desk of the evidence storage at the twelfth.

She took it, nodded and handed me the bag containing our victim's phone while he mildly whined, "I know, I just don't want to miss the doctor's appointment. I want to be there for you. I want to hear what they have to say. I-." He stopped himself and went quiet for just a moment. Then, he carried on, "I want to know if we need to be concerned."

I told him honestly, "My hormones are just high, Castle. That's nothing to worry about. I mean, they all but guaranteed that there's no way it's anything dangerous."

"Unless it's twins," he reminded me with remorse.

I told him straight out, "It's not. It can't be. I mean, we're unlucky, but we're not that unlucky. I'm sure it's just that my medication was messing with it like they said it might. When these results come back, they'll be clean."

"How do you know?" he asked, forcing my hand to stay on the cool metal of the door much longer than I wanted it to.

I answered simply, "I don't. But for now, there's nothing to worry about, so I'm not going to worry about it."

He sighed. "Well, I think I should cancel and come home."

"Gina would kill you. Besides, you need to get out of the house and your fans need answers from you. I don't mind, Rick. Really. I-... we will be fine," I gently soothed him. His nerves cooled off and he agreed that it was fine. I swore to him that I'd call him the moment we got any news and Facetime him if he weren't signing at that time. Just as the call ended, the elevator doors split open and at it's stop, I got dizzy. Taking a minute to recenter myself, I stepped off and walked toward Ryan's desk.

Esposito and Ryan both sat at their desks, endlessly slaving over a pile of paperwork, surfing for answers they might never find in these records. When I arrived near them and handed them the phone, Ryan looked at it as though I'd shown him a diamond three times the iPhone's size. Kevin snatched it out of my hand before Esposito could even see it. Ryan then scrambled to close a paper and dashed off into the tech room after a brief, "I got this."

Once he was out of sight, Esposito commented, "I can't believe he ditched us."

"Oh, please. You'd have done the same it you'd have gotten the chance," I told him, taking a seat in Ryan's recently vacated chair.

Espo shrugged. "So, how's the writer? He on his way back yet?"

"Na," I told him loosely, "His stay was extended. They asked him to do something at some convention tomorrow."

Javi then looked at me with shock, "What? He's staying there? Don't you have some important doctor's appointment tomorrow?"

"How did you know about that?" I asked, putting down the paperwork in my hand.

"Castle's my bro. He tells us everything."

I sighed and rolled my eyes, dropping my shoulders before telling him, "Well, not that it's any of your business, but as I already told him, everything's going to be fine so going alone isn't going to be a big deal."

"So you're going alone?" he questioned with a bit of disbelief. "Why not ask your dad to go with you or Martha or someone?"

I laughed to myself. "Yeah, because I want his mom to know if something's wrong before he does."

"I thought you said nothing's going to be wrong."

"Nothing will be."

"But what if there is something wrong?"

"When did you become the king of stupid questions?!" I snapped. His words all vanished, but his injured look said enough. I bite back on any more words and went back to business. For the remainder of the day, I sat in virtual silence while I worked through the busy work they'd given me. As was agreed, I didn't step foot outside the office and took off around five thirty with a stack of papers I'd volunteered to fill out at home. It was weird for me to leave before the boys, but at that point I was starting to feel myself get more and more tired and Gates could see it too, so if I hadn't left, she'd have sent me home.

Back at the loft, I put my phone on its charger in the kitchen, picked up the papers and spread out on my couch. While Rick was gone, I was staying at my own apartment in order to avoid the weirdness of staying with only Martha and Alexis. I hoped that awkwardness would leave eventually, but for now, I was in my own place. With my stuff spread out over my coffee table, I searched paper after paper, signed everything I needed to sign and finally exhausted myself entirely. A shower was not safe at this point as standing in the hot water for a long while often made me light headed, and I would've fallen asleep had I bathed. Instead, I just fluttered off to my bed.

For as long as I was awake, I could help but feel that something was missing. I continuously rolled over and tried to adjust into some kind of comfortable spot, but even while I was asleep, I wasn't comfortable. I could feel the emptiness of the room and the bed. I couldn't move past the hallowing out I got every time I had to sleep alone. Silently, I ached for him body and slept as though I were cuddled next to his chest, instead using a pillow to fill the gap.

By the time morning came and I sat up, a nauseating illness overcame me. This time, I knew it wasn't the pregnancy. I'd felt this sensation before when I had to take finals or the night before graduation. Nerves were twisting my stomach and causing my hands to be more shaky than usual. I couldn't eat, but I could feel how much I needed to. Instead of taking in a meal all at once, I simply used the same tricks we used for my morning sickness and busied my mind by heading off to work.

When I go to the twelfth, Ryan and Esposito hadn't arrive yet. In fact, nearly no one was there. There were only a pair of uniforms, me and Gates occupying the typically full bullpen. I wordlessly traveled to my desk, unloading the paperwork and getting down to my habitual intake of the murder board. All that kept me from calling him and begging him to come back was my victim's face as she stared into me deeply. After a while, I gave in. I knew my favorite M.E would be downstairs and I slipped away to find her. She had barely gotten to the office when I called her name, startling her. "Kate! How many times do I have to ask you not to do that?"

"It's not my fault you scare easy," I defended with a teasing smile.

She glared at me and continued on with her work before her, telling me outright, "Well, you didn't come down here this early to check on the body. So, what's up?" I hesitated for a moment, feeling foolish for being so weak about something so stupid. She looked up at me and told me, "You came all the way down here, Kate. Whatever it is, you're better off just confessing."

"What makes you think I didn't just come down here to say hey to my best friend?"

"The fact that you're deflecting." Again, I hesitated.

I didn't really know what to say, so I said the only thing I could. "Castle's still out of town."

"Isn't your appointment today?" Lanie suddenly caught on.

"Yeah. And I mean, I told him that he had to stay because there was nothing to worry about, so I really shouldn't be complaining, but-…"

She caught on and finished, "What if something is wrong and he's not there?" I didn't say anything. Silence was enough of an answer for her. She knew me well enough to know that silence was an affirmation nine out of ten times. "Kate, why not just call him? You're appointment is still hours away. Maybe he can get a fight back in time."

"No, he needs to be working. He should be there. I told him to be there. I don't want to just flip flop on him and ask him to come back because I'm worried about something I told him not to worry about, " I insisted.

She then told me, "Honey, I'm almost certain Rick wanted to be there to hear the news just as much as you want him there."

I bit back a bit on my lip, knowing he wanted to be there, but hiding the fact that I was relieved a bit by him not being there. To be completely honest, there was no one I would want to be with me when I got bad new more than I would want Rick to be there. But then again, there was a piece of me that didn't want to have to face the fact that were something wrong it wouldn't just be me who had to deal with the consequences and decide my choices.

I thanked Lanie after a bit more of a conversation on whether to call him or not, both of us finding a video call to be a decent solution if I truly would not ask him to come back up. After a bit of catch up on the case with the body, I went back to the precinct and met with the boys to talk about the next step in the case.

Neither of them really knew what the next step was until I asked one of them what the girl's brother said when they interviewed him. They asked me why it mattered and I pointed out the fact that it said right in the report the victim's parents had given that her brother and she went into business together and she forced him out after he left rehab. The boys had dismissed him because he lived in Florida now and his financials didn't indicate travel of any kind. Once they called, they realized he had a business conference going on in New Jersey, which was less than an hour's drive away from the murder scene. He was in our holding cell before I left at noon.

When I got in the car, I thought about pulling out my phone and calling Rick, but- something stopped me. Instead, I got five minutes away and stopped at a red light before texting him. He answered within seconds, asking me if I was on my way to my appointment. I told him it wasn't until one and that I was going to change first so that I didn't get told for the third time that heels and stairs and work all day was not the greatest idea in the world. He sent me a glaring, disapproving emoticon and I simply sent him a winking face. By the time I got all of this out, only texting at stoplights, I was at my place. I then quickly changed and made my way to my OB's.

By this point, they knew my face. I couldn't be sure if it was because the nurse at the front desk was a massive fan of Castle's and fawned over him every time we came in or if it was because I checked in with the same woman for physical therapy and for my cardiologist's appointments as well (which were most over by now). She grabbed a form, had me sign it, and I sat down in the waiting room, continuing to text Rick. Somewhere along the lines, I broke his incessant questioning over how I was feeling and why I didn't call last night and if I slept well and blah, blah, blah by asking him how the conference was going.

He messaged me back: IDK.

I answered: What do u mean u don't know?

Almost the moment I sent that, the doors in the offset waiting room opened, I looked over my shoulder, being eternally paranoid, and had to double take when the face registered. "Rick?!"

"Ah," he said, pointing at me over the three other women. My back had been turned to the door so he hadn't seen my face. I stood, not really sure what was bringing me to my feet until I was in his arms with my face buried in his chest. When I got to my senses, I looked up and he smiled at the sight of me. His hand swept my hair behind my ear and he greeted me, "Hey beautiful."

"Hey," I said, without registering any kind of surprise until it hit me. I was suddenly in shock. "Hey! Castle! What are you doing here?! You're supposed to be in Chicago!"

"I needed to be here with you. I needed to know that you and the baby are alright," he said, slipping his hand from my lower back to my stomach. A sense of relief came over me and reflected over my face. Just as my fear melted away, however, it was reborn with the sound of my name. He looked down at my reacting face and asked, "You ready?"

I let a breath slip past my lips to mirror a half-laugh and told him, "As ready as you are." With that, his hand laced in mine and we trekked down the hall behind the woman in the sky blue scrubs.


	19. Look to the Future

**Ignore the last Chapter 19. This one is written, completely new and not so... Days of Our Lives. This one is quite a bit less depressing. I apologize for the last one and this mix up. Honestly, I kind of just poured my own feelings into that last chapter and then posted it. My bad. Anyway, yeah, I'm sorry and I hope this makes up for it a little bit. :)**

* * *

Castle and I sat in the room alone, both of us nervously saying nothing. The nurse had taken my vitals and assured me that the doctor would be in as soon as possible. She then informed me moments later that my doctor was out of town, so a young Doctor Richards would be speaking with me today. It worried me that my own doctor wouldn't be telling me whatever the results were, but she could be gone for up to three months and they needed to let me know one way or another. Having this behind me, I made a note to find another doctor.

When the man walked in, he stared down at a clip board and spoke. "Good morning, Miss Beckett. How are we today?"

"Alright," I answered trying to find his eyes with a questioning look.

He answered, "Good, good. Well, I'm just going to take a listen to your heart and lung before we get started, so if I could have you take off your jacket, that would be greatly appreciated." I did so, shedding the blazer and doing as he asked of me as I took in breath after breath and allowed him to listen to my heartbeat. Eventually he marked down what he needed to in his notes and pulled a stool in front of me, asking quite simply, "Have you been experiencing any shortness of breath or trouble breathing?"

"No," I answered, rather concerned that he was asking about my breathing when the problems generally lied in my heart or in the pregnancy.

"Any dizziness or light-headed-ness?"

I thought back to the elevator rides and speeding car rides when I wasn't in control. "Yes, but not many."

"Alright," he said, making a note. "What about nausea? Are you still experiencing any traces of morning sickness?"

"Not really," I hesitantly answered, becoming slightly impatient.

Still staring away from me, he marked down a few more items and questioned, "Any headaches?"

"No."

"Are you easily fatigued?"

"More so than I used to be, but I wouldn't say I'm "easily fatigued"." He nodded. Still no answers of my own, I questioned, "I'm sorry, I know I'm being impatient, but I was supposed to have tests back today, and... waiting any longer to know what's happening might just kill me."

He laughed down at his paper and then found my face. "I'm sorry, just a few more questions and I promise you that we'll be done." Impatiently, I nodded and answered his further questioning, mostly just more answers that were short and simple. Finally, he clicked his pen on the clipboard and put it aside, pulling my test results up and reading them, as though he were reading them for the first time. It felt as though he were purposely taunting us. This seemed so unprofessional that I nearly ripped the folder from his hands. Just as I was about to, however, he closed it and put it away. I waited. He took a moment and then told me, "Your test results came back clean. You and the baby are absolutely, one hundred percent alright." Relief immediately flooded over Rick and me. But- when I looked over at him, he got caught on the doctor who still seemed to be holding a heavy presence.

I didn't want to think something could be wrong until he said the _B _word. "But I'm concerned about the dizziness and fatigue. At this point, you should have moved past the first-trimester tiredness. So, I'd like to run just two more tests to be sure you aren't anemic or have something else going on. Also, I'd like you to try and drink as much water as you can instead of whatever it is you're drinking right now. Lets see if its maybe just a bit of dehydration. Alright?"

I nodded. He then drew a bit of my blood and told us we were free to go. The instant we were in the elevator, something bizarre came over me and I leaped into his arms, grabbing hold of him and taking every ounce of his presence in. He held me up in the air for a moment and lightly whispered, "See, I told you you'd want me here." I couldn't deny it at all. Instead, I laughed and basked in the moment just a few seconds longer before allowing him to place me on the ground.

Once I was steady on my own two feet, I drew my arms around his neck and placed a light kiss on his cheek. "Thank you."

He smiled. "Always."

* * *

The next day, I woke up to an empty bed for the fifth time in two weeks. Again, I traveled the small distance to the den to find the man I loved passed out at his desk with his laptop opened and the message "_You should be writing_" scrolling across the screen. I rolled my eyes, walked over, shut the lid and laid a gentle kiss along the top of his head. For the first time, however, this woke him up. His head shifted around and he looking into my eyes with traces of the dreamworld still laced upon his eyes. The way he looked, so simply pleased with the world, made me smile back. His hallowed out tone gave me a muffled, "Hey." This time, I actually laughed at his fatigue, politely taking amusement in his childish ways. "What's funny?"

"Nothing," I teased, "What were you working on?"

He echoed, "Nothing."

I hummed and took a seat on the edge of his desk. "Really? Well, if you tell me, I'll make you pancakes."

"Mmmm, since when do you bribe with food?"

I shrugged. "Is it working?"

He nodded and answered, "Nikki Heat."

"So, what play on words have you thought of for this book?" I teased, half honestly curious, half just wanting to hear him continue on in his exhausted voice.

He readjusted and sat back in his chair, still very affected by his own weight. "Not sure. Just working on the outline."

"Ah." I then heard something come from the outside that sounded like Alexis was up. Before she could make herself food, I lifted myself from his desk, laid a gentle kiss along the crown of his forehead and slipped out to make breakfast. The pancakes were finished as soon as Rick was fully awake and dressed.

When he came out to his daughter delighting in blueberry speckled pancakes with his mother and me, he was met by Martha telling him, "Richard, you must marry this woman immediately."

"That good, huh?" Castle questioned.

Martha continued, "I can honestly say, I have never had anything more incredibly delicious for breakfast in all of my life."

"Wow," Castle responded, coming up behind me, whispering in my ear, "I might just have to keep you."

Serving another pancake, I answered in a hushed voice, "Like you have a choice." He laughed, took up his plate and fork and on his way to the table, he pinched my cheek through my plaid shorts. In return, he received a proper spanking with the end of the spatula in my hand.

"Well, I'm officially curious. What is going to happen when the baby's born?" Alexis suddenly questioned. Right as she did, the fun playfulness left the room.

Castle awkwardly, honestly told her, "Well, we don't actually know."

I emphasized, "We haven't really talked about it."

"Well," Martha inserted, "Richard knows my feelings on this matter."

"Yes, mother, and as I've told you, neither of us truly wants to jump into a marriage we aren't ready for." The woman then looked between the two of us and gestured in a way that said she was exhausted by the two of us.

Alexis then asked, "Well, what makes you think you're not ready? I mean, you guys have worked together for for almost three years. You both say you love each other. And, you're having a baby. Don't you think that getting married and raising the baby in one house is what's best for him? I mean, Beckett, you're willing to die for him. Why not get married?"

"Lex, it's- it's not that easy," I told her honestly, forgetting for a moment that she was a high school student.

Rick adjusted my answer for me. "It's not always what's best. Look at your mother and me. We were married for years and nothing was harder on you than the day she left. Sometimes it's best to just- be sure about something before you do it. Sometimes blind love can have that trace of doubt and "what if"s can get in the way. Especially when you're bringing a child into the mix, sometimes it's best not to fly off in a gust of spontaneous romance and dive into a commitment that you're unsure about. Yes, I love her and I believe her when she says she loves me, but we aren't ready for the commitment that marriage is. Do you understand what I'm getting at?"

Alexis half grumpily answered, "Yeah, dad. I get it. I'm not two years old."

After this, Alexis shipped off to a friends fairly quick and Martha disappeared, haring off to somewhere unknown with Lord only knows who. This left Rick and me alone. I took the opening and questioned, "So, what are we going to do?"

"About what?" he absently responded, stuck in his phone.

"About the baby. About the living arrangement. I mean, I know I live here for now, but according to you and my doctor, I don't have a choice. So, what are we going to do about the living arrangement once the baby's born?"

He immediately put the phone down and turned to look at me. "What do you mean you're only here because you have to be?"

"Castle, I said I didn't have a choice. I didn't say I didn't want to be here, I just meant that I didn't know if we'd be living together if I hadn't been shot."

"Of course you'd be living here! I wouldn't let you go through all of that morning sickness alone! Plus, who else would cook the odd foods you will soon crave or who would tell you that you look absolutely stunning every day when you feel uncomfortable in your clothes and in your own skin?! Besides, I told you I love you. I want you here. I want you in my life." He seemed insulted. That wasn't my goal of this conversation in any way.

I tried to fix it by saying, "Castle, I- I honestly didn't mean it like that. Really, I didn't. I know you're a good man with a kind heart and I love you more than you know. I'm just struggling to figure out what's all being done out of necessity and what we're doing because it's what's right for us."

He seemed to understand, leaning in and laying a soft, tender kiss on my lips, which I happily returned. Pulling back and resting his forehead against mine, he questioned, "Did that help?"

I smiled lightly and hummed a positive answer. A sick feeling then came into my stomach suddenly and I had to rush away. Rick followed me, holding back my hair and lightly stroking a circle on my back as I emptied my stomach. When I was finished, I fell back against the wall beside the seat and accepted the toilet paper he handed me to wipe my lips. He joked, "See, you need me here."

My amusement was minimal as I groaned, "I thought morning sickness only lasted for the first trimester."

"Well, you're only fifteen weeks along, Kate. It could just be a one day relapse."

"Ugh, God, I hate this," I whined.

He then asked, "Ice or no ice in your water."

"Ice, please," he then grunted as he got up and made it to the door before I said, "Thank you, Castle."

He answered sweetly, "Anything, my love."

I smiled weakly, "Ugh, what would I do without my Prince Charming?"

"Prince Charming? Who's that? I'm your Luke Skywalker." This actually made me laugh and roll my eyes as he disappeared.

For a split second, I thought to myself, "You love him, Kate. What the hell are you doing?! Just marry him!" Then, the more sheltered part of me recalled, "He loves you for now, Kate, but he's been married twice and you know exactly who he can be. You saw him with those bimbos hanging off his arms." My heart bickered back, "Two years ago. That was two years ago. He's changed. He's not that guy. Hell, he dove to save you, not even considering the fact that he could have gotten himself killed! He loves you! So what's the problem?" My brain didn't know what to say. For the first time in a while, there wasn't some morbid cliff hanger that I could think of that would keep me from devoting my life to proving to him every day how much I loved him.

When Rick walked in with a glass in his hand, I gladly took it from him and sipped it. I couldn't help but notice him watching me with so much care in his gaze. He studied me, ensured I was alright, watching me as I moved and breathed. When I put the cup down, I looked back at him and his eyes left mine. He stared down his hand as it crossed beneath my shirt and cupped the skin of my minimally swollen belly. His eyes lit up as he smiled down at the baby and for a moment, I couldn't breathe he was so breath-taking. How was I so lucky as to find the most perfect man in the world? What did I do to earn him?

As his hand rested along my stomach, my palm rested along his cheek and his eyes came up to greet mine. I then guided his face toward mine and laid a gentle kiss on his other cheek. He voluntarily shifted and moved his lips against mine. For a moment, I could feel that childish flutter beneath his hand and all I could do was fall more deeply into his hold. Our lips parted, but my head fell to the crook of his neck and suddenly a calm was settled over my body. I didn't want to stop myself from telling him, "I love you, Rick."

His unnecessary words answered back, "I love you too."


End file.
